The Burdens of Being Upright

Jul 24, 2005

i have a really good feeling about things. i think the next year is going to be wonderful. not just for me but for everyone around me. it feels like things are coming full-circle. like people are starting to even out and be more of themselves. dodgeball was so fun the other night. i hope that becomes something we do often. me and katie were talking about how much we miss dollar night at the bowling alley. i love having that. so when tuesday rolls around its like "what should we do tonight.... oh its tuesday. bowling night." and then its really just an excuse to get together with all your favorite kids and have a good time. i am feeling so optimistic right now about the future. of course theres still that confusion about jason. but i know that i am always going to have such a deep love for that guy and he is always going to be one of my favorite people. even if its not a romantic thing, there's just something about him that i'm drawn to. something between us that just clicks. i want so many good things for him.
posted by sarah 4:23 AM

Jul 23, 2005

dodgeball ruled tonight. my team won, no thanks to me. but the real winners of the night were me and katie, and our awesome dodgeball uniforms. i'm pretty terrified of scott. he throws way too hard. i should probably just get better at dodging. every time i look down at my thighs, they've gotten just a little more purple. it started out as just pink but as the night progressed, the bruise seems to be getting bigger and darker. this is what summer is supposed to be like. come home tired, bruised, bug-bitten, and smelling gross. i'm excited for the beach and even more excited that katie and briana are coming. i hope i get ridiculously sun-burnt. i hope rob zombie doesnt make any more movies because the devil's rejects was really bad. reallllly bad. if i dont get scared by a scary movie you know its bad. i dont know what else. i am so confused about what i'm feeling and what i want and all that. i am not used to being confused like this. its weird. i miss you so much, especially at night when i'm not distracted by anything else. but i dont know. i dont know what i'm thinking. now i guess i know how you were feeling when you said you didnt know how you felt about me. i dont know. we're some confused kids right now. but i guess i'd rather be confused and missing you then pretending and having you. i guess being honest with yourself and others is always the most important thing even if sometimes it hurts. i dont know what i'm saying. summer '05 rules!
posted by sarah 3:39 AM

Jul 15, 2005

taco thursday! i'm amazing! orientation! beach week! american apparel! i'm amazing!
surrrriously. i feel great tonight, have been since tuesday really. i'm feeling like i'm not the one who's really losing the most in all this. maybe thats mean? but probably not. i dont think anyone's feelings could ever be hurt by stuff i say on here. first of all, i dont think many people actually read this. and i wouldnt blame them because i dont usually say much on here. except about how amazing i am.
posted by sarah 12:45 AM

Jul 14, 2005

nothing like a day with angie to make things better. we went to the new american apparel in baltimore and it was so great. i bought lots and lots of clothes and i'm already itching to go back there. i love that store. thennn i delivered at the dragon house for a while. i went to this one house in a gated community where you have to check in with a secutiry guard to get in and they gave me a $10 tip. thats always nice. i think most of my tips were pretty nice, i didnt really pay much attention to how much i got though. another thing, i love thunderstorms! and we're supposed to have one every day this week. that makes me happy.
posted by sarah 2:19 AM

Jul 12, 2005

i'm not really sure what i want. i'm not extremely sad though which is a good thing. but it is weird to have lost a friend. someone who i really enjoy hanging out with. but i dont even know what i want. i am confused. party of me wishes we could just start over. like start as pals and see what happens. thats probably a bad idea though, i dont know. anyway. now i need to just be myself again. maybe if i figure out a little more of who i am, knowing what i want won't be so confusing. i guess we'll see.
posted by sarah 5:42 PM

i feel pretty good tonight. me and matt went and played pool. i am AWEFUL at pool now. i used to be somewhat good now im like a retarded kid with a tree branch. what else. i'm excited about the orientation at maryland next week. i'm excited about starting school really. i havent been a real student in so long. im excited about taco thursday. oh, not exciting stuff happened today too. chris got home from work and forgot his key. so he decided to break the window in the door to get in. wtf? speaking of, i've been cussing too much lately. i dont like the way it makes me sound. maybe tomorrow i should go get some sod and try to finish the backyard. maybe i should drag my butt out of bed and go to yoga tomorrow too. so yeah. there are a lot of things to look forward to and be excited about. i dont know. i dont think transitioning is ever easy for anyone. i take back what i said about should have ended it in october. there are too many good memories of our relationship. i'm glad we got back together, even the second time. even though it didnt work out. i'm grateful for the good times we had together and can't imagine what i'd be like had we never been. its hard though. i feel like if i saw you now all my strength and common sense would crumble because i have such a soft spot in my heart for you. and i'd want to just kiss you and rest my head on your shoulder. i imagine those feelings for a person dont go away easily. oh well, here's to moving on and changes made, hopefully for the better, for both of us. squishy.
posted by sarah 1:23 AM

Jul 11, 2005

i used to love music. i still love music. but i used to feakin loooove it. whenever i'd get a new cd i'd sit in my room with my head phones on listening to it over and over, reading the lyrics and everything else that was in the little booklet. by the end of the night, i knew that cd through and through. speaking of, i love bane's new cd. maybe its not so new anymore, but its new to me.

the unheard goodbyes that we are never ready to whisper
turning once strong men into lost little boys

i dont know. i wont lie. this is hard. and it hurts. a lot. but there's really no one to be mad at. and no one to blame for anything. of course i'll move on. and of course i'll be happy again. and stronger. of course there are other people out there, although thats not even something i want to think about now. life goes on, whether you're ready for the change or not. i'm not sure if this is what was best or what i even wanted. i think it was, but i dont know. but this is how it is. i cant blame a guy for being 20 and unsure of himself. no tears or hugs that last too long or conversations will change anything. people do what is best for themselves at the time. thats just how it is.
posted by sarah 5:01 PM

i woke up suddenly at 3:30 am with a weird feeling on my lips and the first thing i thought was "no more kisses". this is going to be so hard. i am going to miss so many things about him. but i cannot think like that. there's a reason we're not together anymore and missing him just comes with the territory. i have to focus on the things i wont miss. i wont miss having a boyfriend who didnt love or care about me. or at least not enough to treat me like i mattered. i cant cry about this anymore or think of things i could have done to make it better. i did what i could but some things are just out of my control. its really hard to see someone as they are when you know how they used to be. i wasnt being treated right and he knew it and didnt want to change. its best that its over. the worst thing is seeing a friend who used to have so much integrity actually want to lose it. i still cant understand that.
posted by sarah 3:47 PM

Jul 10, 2005

in response

"sarah when you love some one you can not control how you feel or how you handle things because the person that you are is a caring person and if you think that some thing had potental to work whos to tell you that you are dumb or that it will not work people do what is best for them sometime it may not be right at the time but if you feel like it is what you should do that is all that matters you are your worst critic"
posted by sarah 1:59 AM

someone once told me to think about all the qualities that would make a person the ideal boyfriend, and to be those things. and even though i was told this years ago, way before i had any boyfriends or even knew which qualities were ideal, it has stuck with me. and thats what i've tried to be, exactly what i've always wanted. honest, loyal, supportive, forgiving, affectionate but with a sense of humor and wouldn't start a fight over just anything. i always kind of figured that if i made an effort to be a good girlfriend, the boy would naturally return the favor. but what happens when it becomes clear who is the doormat in the relationship? when the boy, whether knowingly or not, makes you feel like nothing more than a cuddle and a fuck and also a burden to his social life and thus his fun? god, am i one of those idiot girls who forgive and overlook things they would never normally tolerate because 'he says hes sorry and he really cares about me'. i swear i used to be strong and independent. i swear i used to have fun and actually like my life. i am one of those idiot girls. i'm one of those idiots in a stupid relationship that has already ended twice, with a boyfriend who doesnt even want her around, who has neglected her friends that she used to love, forgotten what she once hoped for herself, is bored out of her mind, and still doesnt want to lose her loveless and selfish boy because she loves and adores him and knows that he has potential to be a really great man. even if now he's selfish and thinks its funny to be a dick to girls since his friend his. truth is it doesnt make him funny, it just makes him a dick. when he used to be a rarity among the sluts and assholes that most boys seem to be, now he's slowly morphing into one of them. and i'm the idiot girlfriend, the kind of girl clinging to the asshole's arm that i used to see and think "has she no standards?" i am so disgusted right now with who i have become. i completely embody all the qualities i used to disdain in other girls. now i know why so many girls are bitches, jumping on their boyfriend for every small thing, because they're smart and they know they deserve better.
posted by sarah 1:08 AM

Jul 6, 2005

im not all that happy
posted by sarah 11:01 PM