May 27, 2005
this is the worst idea you've ever had
this is really stupid. really really stupid. it doesnt seem right at all. i cant shake the feeling that i was being fed a line when your true motives are elsewhere. i dont know what to think. is it someone else? if it is someone else i'd rather know. sure it would hurt but im a big girl, i can take it. anyway, at least that would make more sense. on saturday as i was leaving your house i said "gnight babe, ill talk to you tomorrow" and you said "goodnight, i love you" and you sounded sooo sincere. and it felt so good. why would you say that unprovoked if you hadnt loved me for weeks? could you really fake it that well and for what purpose? i was happy with you and i didnt think about how long will this last and am i in love or do i just love or do i like him like him or just like him and other crap like that. i was just happy and i loved you. and some days i was bored or annoyed or upset but i never lost faith that it would get happy again. but i dont know. what do i know about these things anyway... i know that love is not just some feeling you have on your first kiss and its not butterflies in your stomache every time he looks your way or euphoric nights or your jaw dropping every time she enters the room. it is those things but thats only the superficial part. love is also comfort and familiarity. its feeling at ease with a person and not feeling the responsibility to be entertaining all the time. but if all you want is the newness in a relationship then i guess you'll have plenty. plenty of girlfriends to dump every few months when its not new and always exciting anymore. i dont know. maybe you never loved me and that was just a lie to get me into bed. i doubt it though, i thought you were better than that and i like to think that you still are. but if you did love me and not that long ago. and if you were as happy as you said you were that night when you just threw your head back onto the bed, pulled me closer on your shoulder, sighed and said "i'm just.. happy." if that was real, i wonder why you'd want to give up on that so quickly. i dont believe that you just fell out of love with me. i dont think thats possible. i dont think you could be so sure of that overnight. but if thats true, and you have absolutely no feelings or love for me at all then i guess just look me in the eye and tell me that. and ill try to accept it gracefully. i dont know. i wish i could fix this but i cant. there is nothing i can do. i wish i'd wake up and realize it was just an aweful dream. or you'd call me up and tell me that without me, you realize how important i really was to you. but i guess thats not going to happen. ill be really sad for awhile but try to distract myself with other things. youll have a great summer without me and probably meet someone new who is exciting and ill be terribly jealous and wonder if its better with her. but there wont be anything i can do because youre not my jason anymore. and maybe after some time goes by we'll hang out and be pals. and youll enjoy my sense of humor and think i'm hot. but that will be it. not exactly the summer i was looking forward to a few days ago, but i guess thats the way it has to be. you dont love me. and theres nothing i can do. so its over. no more nights spent snuggling in the basement. no more bumping my head on your bunk bed. no more dip. no more resting my head on your shoulder in the car. no more belly kisses. no more sitting on your lap at the computer while you show me funny sites. no more bowl bra or playwithme panties. no more little sides. no more making me soup when im sick. no more boyfriend. no more jason. its over. i dont want it to be over but it is. you dont love me anymore and you may never have. and you dont want to be with me. you dont love me. im not your baby anymore. you dont want me. the last year wasnt enough to make you want to try again. you've made up your mind, you just dont love me. you just dont see this is a lasting relationship. maybe thats just a nice way to say you dont want me around any longer. and theres nothing i can do. its over.
posted by sarah 12:52 PM
