The Burdens of Being Upright

May 30, 2005

AHHHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHH!

AHHHHHHHHHH!

AHHHH!!!!!
posted by sarah 11:29 PM

May 28, 2005

chilly nights and warmer thighs

today was a really good day. me and katie got half of my room painted. its a nice pale warm yellow. i like it. im really excited about moving in with katie. our neighborhood is so cute and nice and i just like our house. it feels very homey. im going to finish painting on monday and try to get the bulk of my stuff moved in on monday as well. i got my hair cut today as well and i really like it. its shorter and cuter and i just like the way that it moves and bounces. i feel a little lighter, like theres been some weight lifted off my shoulders. me, katie, and briana went to whole foods and bought food to make dinner with. we grilled chicken and potatoes outside but katie used waaaaaaay too much lighter fluid and the chicken came out a little.... lighter fluid tasting. the potatoes took forever to cook and i think are probably just about done now. but it was fun. it was such a nice night out. its making me really excited for 3 months of beautiful summer nights. i feel really... just good today. optimistic. things are going to be ok, great even. i dont need to be with jason to be happy. i didnt before we were together and i dont after. i dont need any of it. i still know what i want though. but the chances of me getting it are probably less than 1%. so its not the excited kind of wanting. it is... but its also the feeling when you know it would take some miracle for what you want to materialize. like i want one of the new mustangs, but the chances of me getting my hands on that kind of money would mean winning the lottery or something. except this is much more than just a new car. i probably have a better chance with the lottery anyway.
posted by sarah 11:39 PM

May 27, 2005

this is the worst idea you've ever had

this is really stupid. really really stupid. it doesnt seem right at all. i cant shake the feeling that i was being fed a line when your true motives are elsewhere. i dont know what to think. is it someone else? if it is someone else i'd rather know. sure it would hurt but im a big girl, i can take it. anyway, at least that would make more sense. on saturday as i was leaving your house i said "gnight babe, ill talk to you tomorrow" and you said "goodnight, i love you" and you sounded sooo sincere. and it felt so good. why would you say that unprovoked if you hadnt loved me for weeks? could you really fake it that well and for what purpose? i was happy with you and i didnt think about how long will this last and am i in love or do i just love or do i like him like him or just like him and other crap like that. i was just happy and i loved you. and some days i was bored or annoyed or upset but i never lost faith that it would get happy again. but i dont know. what do i know about these things anyway... i know that love is not just some feeling you have on your first kiss and its not butterflies in your stomache every time he looks your way or euphoric nights or your jaw dropping every time she enters the room. it is those things but thats only the superficial part. love is also comfort and familiarity. its feeling at ease with a person and not feeling the responsibility to be entertaining all the time. but if all you want is the newness in a relationship then i guess you'll have plenty. plenty of girlfriends to dump every few months when its not new and always exciting anymore. i dont know. maybe you never loved me and that was just a lie to get me into bed. i doubt it though, i thought you were better than that and i like to think that you still are. but if you did love me and not that long ago. and if you were as happy as you said you were that night when you just threw your head back onto the bed, pulled me closer on your shoulder, sighed and said "i'm just.. happy." if that was real, i wonder why you'd want to give up on that so quickly. i dont believe that you just fell out of love with me. i dont think thats possible. i dont think you could be so sure of that overnight. but if thats true, and you have absolutely no feelings or love for me at all then i guess just look me in the eye and tell me that. and ill try to accept it gracefully. i dont know. i wish i could fix this but i cant. there is nothing i can do. i wish i'd wake up and realize it was just an aweful dream. or you'd call me up and tell me that without me, you realize how important i really was to you. but i guess thats not going to happen. ill be really sad for awhile but try to distract myself with other things. youll have a great summer without me and probably meet someone new who is exciting and ill be terribly jealous and wonder if its better with her. but there wont be anything i can do because youre not my jason anymore. and maybe after some time goes by we'll hang out and be pals. and youll enjoy my sense of humor and think i'm hot. but that will be it. not exactly the summer i was looking forward to a few days ago, but i guess thats the way it has to be. you dont love me. and theres nothing i can do. so its over. no more nights spent snuggling in the basement. no more bumping my head on your bunk bed. no more dip. no more resting my head on your shoulder in the car. no more belly kisses. no more sitting on your lap at the computer while you show me funny sites. no more bowl bra or playwithme panties. no more little sides. no more making me soup when im sick. no more boyfriend. no more jason. its over. i dont want it to be over but it is. you dont love me anymore and you may never have. and you dont want to be with me. you dont love me. im not your baby anymore. you dont want me. the last year wasnt enough to make you want to try again. you've made up your mind, you just dont love me. you just dont see this is a lasting relationship. maybe thats just a nice way to say you dont want me around any longer. and theres nothing i can do. its over.
posted by sarah 12:52 PM

May 26, 2005

i dont know what to do with myself. everything's been taken out from under me. i was so happy. and now its all gone. i was just so happy that i had someone who i could trust and who i loved and loved me and that i had so much fun with. and now its just over. and theres nothing i can do. i dont understand what went wrong. was i an idiot to believe someone when they said they loved me. i feel like such an idiot. for the past month you've still told me you loved me and all the while you didnt. i feel so cheap. what i thought meant something meant nothing at all. i dont understand. everything was fine just 2 days ago. i dont want to feel like this. im a complete wreck and you probably just feel relieved. god i was so happy.i dont want to lose that. i dont want to feel this way. i dont want to believe that you werent in love with me. all that we did together and all the time spent and you just want to be pals. was i just not enough. i tried to be a good girlfriend. but it just wasnt enough. i dont want to believe that it was all a lie. ive been completely fucked. you told me that you loved me just the other day as i was leaving your house. and you sounded so sincere and it felt so good. but really for weeks you havent loved me. and then on monday. oh god. why would you do that to me when you dont have any feelings for me. yes it is so wrong. i loved you. ive never loved anyone before like that and you brushed it off. god. i was just so happy. all the times we spent together and all the intimate moments we had and you dont love me. you just dont love me. what changed. what changed in one month that made you completly fall out of love with me. i dont know what to do. i loved you and i trusted you. and what did that get me. i was so excited about the summer and now i just feel... broken. and you didnt even shed a single tear for our relationship. a few days ago you said you loved me and now you're probably happy to be rid of me. this doesnt seem right.
posted by sarah 1:51 PM

May 20, 2005

today was a long day. i had graduation practice at bowie at 8am. i picked up sean for old time's sake. sean has facial hair. wtf? then we went to bowie and sat in the gym for graduation rehearsal. i didnt share that "omg! last day of high school" feeling with anyone because i had that day last year. looking around, i saw kids that i have known since kindergarden and old best friends who now i'd feel akward just saying hi to. the girl next to me reminded me of all the people from high school that i wont miss. the fat, obnoxious girls, who smell like weed. who smokes up at 8am? ali kozlowski was in the row behind me. that is one friend from way back that i still enjoy seeing and talking to. she has not really changed since elementary school, and thats a compliment. so apparantly my gym teacher from elementary school (who was married) and my 2nd grade teacher got married. that is weeeeeiiiiirrrd. and on a sadder note, i also found out today that my precal teacher from last year died the other week. he got in a car accident and from what i heard had just gotten engaged a few days earlier. thats really aweful. i dont really know what else to say.
posted by sarah 11:20 PM

May 9, 2005

i dont know how so many people my age can smoke cigarettes. maybe everyone's just an idiot. now everyone's going to get all defensive about their habits but its true. if you smoke, you are an idiot. there, now that i've showed everyone the light i'll talk about me. i think i hate most girls. maybe not hate, just dont like. if you're a girl and i hang out with you, consider yourself blessed because you must be awesome. i also am very jealous. but i think jealousy to some extent is healthy. when you love someone, you're going to be protective of that. i dont know how anyone could be in love and not get jealous sometimes. jealousy is fine i think as long as you dont let it get too out of hand. speaking of love, i love jason. he makes me so happy and i love our relationship. i think im lucky to have found a boy who can have so much integrity and yet be so damn hilarious and fun to be with as well. plus he's hot, like, really hot. not sure how to segway into this smoothly but.... im moving! really soon too. only about 3 weeks left until i move in with katie. i should start getting things packed up. im excited. a little bit sad and scared too. but mostly excited. katie's probably my favorite person of all my friends. (sorry other friends, but you all know katie, so you know what i mean). living with katie will be awesome. i think its funny that we're both excited about grocery shopping together. i dont know what thats all about. man. i am sleepy.
posted by sarah 1:11 AM