The Burdens of Being Upright

Oct 24, 2004

spit on yourself (you're so beautiful)

my new computer came and it is great. the comcast guy is coming to give me cable internet on the 16th or 17th, so then it will be even better.

last night was that fasion show for julia. it was actually a lot of fun. the dress turned out really great. they had these professional people come in and do our hair and makeup. they teased my hair up and made it HUGE and gave me big false eye lashes and lots of make up. i looked like a drag queen. it was awesome. my feet, legs, butt, back, and abs are all so sore from having to stand in those heels for 4 or 5 hours. after the show was over, we had to go out and mingle with the crowd. julia got a lot of compliments on the dress and a lot of people told her it was the smartest piece in the show. one creepy middle aged guy hit on me and tried to buy me a beer. whats with middle aged men hitting on me, even when i look like a drag queen. the guy was obviously drunk. i know alcohol gives you confidence or whatever but... some people just should not have that confidence.

i put in my 2 weeks notice at the dollar store. i am so excited about not having to work from 7 to 6 on fridays anymore. the only thing i'll miss is working with erin, which was fun. but its not like i cant hang out with her so its still good. i may waitress with katie at the dragon house. it would only be for a few hours on sundays so i wouldnt be too overworked. and really, i just want to be a waitress.

my tinkerbell costume is half done! i kind of drew my own pattern by tracing a tank top of mine and just adding more length. and i keep trying it on and then making adjustments and then retrying it on and making more adjustments.... but its turning out really well. i'm proud of myself. i put the zipper in and it was my first time putting a zipper in anything. i didnt do a stellar job of it but it still looks good. all i have left to do on it is cut the top how i want it and cut the bottom to the right length. then i will be tinkerbell. slutty slutty tinkerbell.

posted by sarah 2:01 PM

Oct 20, 2004

my new computer is supposed to come tomorrow. excited. excited. excited.

gotta drive down to richmond after class today. not excited. (should be in class right now actually...)

gotta make slutty tinkerbell costume for halloween! it will make boys excited.

i sent in part 1 of my application to maryland. now i have to write all those essays. gah!

posted by sarah 10:55 AM

Oct 17, 2004

i can't let the first amendment down.... its the only one i know!

talked to my mom on the way down to richmond on friday. she offered to stay in maryland another year, until i got things together. i told her i was already planning on moving out, on trying to rent a house. she seemed relieved. so mom's going to move to kansas city this summer. dad will probably move to northern virginia or something. either way, the house is going to be sold soon. which doesnt bother me all that much, with most of my family not living there, it doesnt really seem like home anyway. i'm applying to maryland. thinking about majoring in historic preservation. part of me seems disappointed in this. like telling people "oh, i'm going to maryland next year." is the same as saying "yeah, i sorta ran out of ideas..." but thats stupid. going to any other state school wouldnt be some exciting fresh start that 15 year olds idealize it to be. and the only reason why i feel disappointed is because i don't want to let down the goals i had when i was younger. but what the hell did i know when i was younger? nothing. so who cares. i dont want to leave this area yet. i like it here. its home to me. and moving would just be stupid. its not that i'm scared to leave, i just dont want to. so i'm applying to maryland. and if i get in, i'll try to get a house in the college park area. i cant live in a dorm. because wherever i live will be my home. and during the summer and breaks, i'd be homeless. so i hope i get into maryland. i guess i should apply to a few other colleges as kind of a "fall back". i'll see. i'm not really psyched about all this. because i'm not really excited about going to school in general. but i am looking forward to next year, just what i'll be doing i dont know.

posted by sarah 11:26 AM

Oct 15, 2004

adding light to darkness

today i stood with my arms above my head for 45 minutes while i was sewn into a dress made out of mylar with MOLEST written down my side, among other things. two C batteries hung out between my boobs most of the day so my dress could light up to impress some judges. but before the judging, i waited patiently in a hallway with a transformer, a human chandelier, a girl with a dress made out of hair, a skirt with thousands of rubber fingers lining the inside, someone painted gold, a mermaid, an armenian anarchist, and countless others. the man who worked at the exxon asked me if his tie looked like a hotdog. he said he hated his job and couldnt wait to quit so he could burn the tie. he said he'd hang himself with it if it wasnt a clip on.

posted by sarah 11:29 PM

Oct 14, 2004

what is 2004 all about...

good times!

thats all this year has ever been about.

i want the rest of 2004 to be sick. i want to hang out with my friends and my boyfriend. i want to go somewhere pretty. i want to explore every abandonded building i see. i want to take a ton of pictures. not photographs, pictures. i really want to just run around acting like an idiot and goofing around in the street until dark like we did when we were 11. i want to wrestle someone in mud but in the least sexual way possible. i want everyone to be honest with me all the time. i saw supersize me last night and now all i want to do is eat tons of fast food.

posted by sarah 11:50 AM

Oct 10, 2004

i feel better. what a terrible weekend though. but i hope things are going to be ok now.

posted by sarah 11:53 PM

cant sleep. cant eat. cant find something to keep me occupied. cant get rid of red,puffy eyes.

why is it that every man i'm close to either lies to me, cheats on me, or just treats me like crap and tries to control me.

why cant i just have a good relationship. is it me? i'm the only constant person in all these failed attempts. is it me?

posted by sarah 1:08 PM

cant sleep.

posted by sarah 1:22 AM

Oct 9, 2004

the past 8 months or so i have been really happy. and i thought you were too. i dont know. i feel aweful. i dont want things to be this way. i just want to be with you.

posted by sarah 8:09 PM

Oct 6, 2004

it's no strech to say

agh. good days usually turn into bad days once i get home. and this time my dad's thrown away a bunch of my pictures of my old friends from elementary school because he's "sorting" them and i have to fish my memories out of the garbage can and wipe the goo off from the rotten cucumber they were under. and apparantly persuing something i'd like to do by working and going to school is a waste of my potential and not whats best for me. what i should be doing is going to a four year university despite the fact that there is nothing there for me right now. but. father knows best. especially when he yells at me until i break down in tears. home sweet home.

posted by sarah 11:03 PM

Oct 3, 2004

mine is a generation of true romantics

i'm sorry jason but i think i may have met the love of my life today. he pulled up next to me at an intersection and yelled "hey white girl! let me get that number!" i fell for him instantly.

posted by sarah 8:17 PM