The Burdens of Being Upright

Jan 26, 2003

my heart bleeds your fucking name

if only i was impulsive....

then things would be different. and i'd be satisfied. or i'd just. over-punctuate. (his face. is. an aesthetic. nightmare.) dun dun dun... 10 months wasted. i wish i was wasted. your fucking falsehood. your ideas of art. you are kangaroo jack to my requiem for a dream. remorse... you never knew the word. (and bricks, good choice) and how dare you. leave all these pieces here to remember you by. a cd on my dresser, a picture in my drawer, a name on a screen, a thousand places. you still have my shirt, two of them actually. so give them back and then slit your wrists. you and your loyal band of sympathizers. none of you deserve to live in the same world that so many honestly good people live in. (i exaggerate, dont slit your wrists.) but do look in the mirror and hate what you see. those excuses that keep you going, forget them. stop lying and see yourself as you are. or better yet, see yourself through my eyes. i hope karma catches up with you and kicks you in the ass. because i did nothing to you to deserve this. i owe you nothing. and you. you owe me everything. what makes you think you get to move on first. sit there and wallow in this shit until i say you can get up. i'm just mad, he's not allowed to move on before i do. what put me to tears, is that he's going to go out with this girl and not cheat on her and they'll be happy and i'll feel like an idiot and wonder why i was so easy to cast aside. and if its not this girl it will be another one, thats what did it to me, realizing that he will move on. and there will be others. damn, this cap'n jazz cd is good. when mr. righteous loses his title, the whole world is out of place. so here's a present to let you know i still exist. i hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribely contageous on his lips. and for everytime you fed me the line, "you mean so much to me..." i'm without you. (this post is riddled with quotes) it feels so great to know that there are those who feel the same way you do. if not worse. i love you angie. and there are those there to express the things you're too much of a coward to do youself. i love you katie. and those there to remind you that life is beautiful. i am beyond exausted from school, work, drivers ed. i leave the house at 7 am and dont get home until 9:30 pm. and to add to it, i have finals this week and next week. i am beyond excited though. i might have a show at matt's house for my 16th birthday. and make everyone chocolate chip pancakes. and have so much fun. and be so happy. and just everything. and even he can come. we wont be friends but i'll be over it by then and wont care. i wish we could be friends but hey, he chose kim. oh and paul, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me. and i mean that, in a way i have never meant anything before. and i'm not going to waste my time being second best. february, march, and april. i claim these next 3 months as my own. not anyone else's. these will be the "i'm too fucking cool to let anyone control how i feel" months. and next year when i do a little review i'll be like "jesus effing christ! those 3 months kicked ass!" and then i'll be happy. even though i curse like a sailor. haha, fuck you. aaron and other guy were right. this cap'n jazz cd is amazing. this has to end. it's 3 am and i'm rambling. come february 1st things will be different. and i'll conquer everything.

"we were ready to take on the fucking world."

posted by sarah 3:09 AM