The Burdens of Being Upright

Jan 27, 2003

i never said that i was brave

i can't even fucking concentrate as 3 letters stare me in the face. shouldnt childhood episodes of saved by the bell have prepared me for this?
liars.
sympathizers.
february 1st will be my rebirth. my renaissance. art, science, philosophy. no more plagues because i'm immune now. i struggled through the middle ages and now i'm ready to find my da vinci. i cannot fucking wait.
this is the end. this is my last week to be bitter. the last few days of my brick-to-his-face fantasies. come feb 1, i am reborn. paul will be no different than any other child molestor or drug addict i see lying on the streets. trampled beneath the wheels of innovation. nerpal was right, i need to drown myself in music.
think beck, "things are gonna change i can feel it."
think american nightmare, "dreams are trash on the side of the road. starry-eyed, tongue all tied, there's something you should know..."
think mewithoutyou, "dont waste your lips on words i've heard before"
think bane, "the only way to ever really know life's lessons is when it smacks you right in the face."
think shai hulud, oh man just listen to anything you can get your hands on written by shai hulud. here's a song to keep you (me) going:

i have to let you die. i have to let you fade. so spare me the male accusations. i would have told you those things you wanted to hear. and i would have cared the way you thought no one ever would. and now my heart bleeds cold. i refuse to be caressed by stone. i now live emotionless and free from your pain. my heart bleeds the darkest blood. my heart is as cold as stone, a rock feels no pain. no laughter. no loving. no contact.
(my heart bleeds the darkest blood - shai hulud)

posted by sarah 11:56 PM

Jan 26, 2003

my heart bleeds your fucking name

if only i was impulsive....

then things would be different. and i'd be satisfied. or i'd just. over-punctuate. (his face. is. an aesthetic. nightmare.) dun dun dun... 10 months wasted. i wish i was wasted. your fucking falsehood. your ideas of art. you are kangaroo jack to my requiem for a dream. remorse... you never knew the word. (and bricks, good choice) and how dare you. leave all these pieces here to remember you by. a cd on my dresser, a picture in my drawer, a name on a screen, a thousand places. you still have my shirt, two of them actually. so give them back and then slit your wrists. you and your loyal band of sympathizers. none of you deserve to live in the same world that so many honestly good people live in. (i exaggerate, dont slit your wrists.) but do look in the mirror and hate what you see. those excuses that keep you going, forget them. stop lying and see yourself as you are. or better yet, see yourself through my eyes. i hope karma catches up with you and kicks you in the ass. because i did nothing to you to deserve this. i owe you nothing. and you. you owe me everything. what makes you think you get to move on first. sit there and wallow in this shit until i say you can get up. i'm just mad, he's not allowed to move on before i do. what put me to tears, is that he's going to go out with this girl and not cheat on her and they'll be happy and i'll feel like an idiot and wonder why i was so easy to cast aside. and if its not this girl it will be another one, thats what did it to me, realizing that he will move on. and there will be others. damn, this cap'n jazz cd is good. when mr. righteous loses his title, the whole world is out of place. so here's a present to let you know i still exist. i hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribely contageous on his lips. and for everytime you fed me the line, "you mean so much to me..." i'm without you. (this post is riddled with quotes) it feels so great to know that there are those who feel the same way you do. if not worse. i love you angie. and there are those there to express the things you're too much of a coward to do youself. i love you katie. and those there to remind you that life is beautiful. i am beyond exausted from school, work, drivers ed. i leave the house at 7 am and dont get home until 9:30 pm. and to add to it, i have finals this week and next week. i am beyond excited though. i might have a show at matt's house for my 16th birthday. and make everyone chocolate chip pancakes. and have so much fun. and be so happy. and just everything. and even he can come. we wont be friends but i'll be over it by then and wont care. i wish we could be friends but hey, he chose kim. oh and paul, you are the worst thing that ever happened to me. and i mean that, in a way i have never meant anything before. and i'm not going to waste my time being second best. february, march, and april. i claim these next 3 months as my own. not anyone else's. these will be the "i'm too fucking cool to let anyone control how i feel" months. and next year when i do a little review i'll be like "jesus effing christ! those 3 months kicked ass!" and then i'll be happy. even though i curse like a sailor. haha, fuck you. aaron and other guy were right. this cap'n jazz cd is amazing. this has to end. it's 3 am and i'm rambling. come february 1st things will be different. and i'll conquer everything.

"we were ready to take on the fucking world."

posted by sarah 3:09 AM

Jan 24, 2003

my generation is being destroyed by apathy.

posted by sarah 12:07 AM

Jan 21, 2003

cellar door

on saturday i saw the curse and the casualties play. i wanted to see avail too but it was getting late and i had to get home. jason was supposed to go to that show but before we left his wrist exploded. seriously. he has a big cut on his wrist and had gotten the stitches out the day before and then we were sitting in the car and it started swelling up all of a sudden and then the cut split open and blood started coming out. it was so sick but so awesome. so jason went to the bowie health center and i'm pretty sure he died or something.... oh well.
i started drivers ed today. kara's taking it with me. it is sooooooooo boring. afterwards we went to wendys and got chicken nuggets. they're good. and thats all i have to say about that...
what else.. what else... i hate science fair projects. and i have one due on wednesday. and that blows.
also, i am very bored. and. i want to go see mewithoutyou on wednesday but i cant because i have drivers ed. maybe its for the best though, if i had gone i would have had to see paul and i really do not want to since, well, he's an ass.
so right now i'm watching dave letterman and waiting for my hair to dry. and i'm too tired to think about anything except that no one is going to steal my february from me and it will be great. i've earned it.

posted by sarah 12:28 AM

Jan 13, 2003

as romantic as an iodine enama

If one is to be doomed, one must be beautiful, or the drama is only a comedy. And therefore, Unbeautiful...
Kill me, my lord, in the form of an eagle"

i passed my learners test with only one question wrong. now in only 4 months i'll be driving. i've been waiting so long for this. bah. this summer, i'm going to start looking at cars. i figure i'll have about $3000 saved up by then. and that should be enough to get me a car that i want thats in decent shape. then since none of my brothers and sisters have had to pay for their cars, my parents will put up the money for how much it costs to renovate it. lets hope someone's selling a '69 charger this summer...

posted by sarah 9:33 PM

Jan 11, 2003

instead of weapons of mass destruction... cookies of mass deliciousness!

bah! tomorrow morning i'm going to the dmv so i can take the test to get my learners permit. i hope i pass otherwise i'll have to wait until next weekend to retake it. study study study.

posted by sarah 12:10 AM

Jan 6, 2003

HEY! get get get get get over it.....HEY!

that song ^ is so much fun to sing. especially when you dont know all the words. watching the critic makes me happy. bkjfdghdfkjghgkjhdkjghdfkjgfd. i'm on a great high from laughing so much today. some days are just great. llllike when you look in the mirror and love who you see. and look out the door and loveeveryone around you. and you're just so happy to be here/. and and and and i think i'll go watch the royal tenenbaums now.

:-)

posted by sarah 2:35 AM

Jan 4, 2003

don't tread on me

no one can blame a person for believing a lie the first time. its even sometimes understandable to believe the same lie a second time. but when you get to the third and fourth times... you'd have to be an idiot to believe the same line so many times. but how can such a pretty mouth pour out words devoid of any meaning? i am too young for this. silly little kids trying to play grown-up games. everything is beautiful and nothing hurt. i can get my learners permit next saturday. all my spare thoughts are going towards that. i want to get this show thing going. i want to start setting up shows at this place in old bowie for touring and local bands. i dont want this to be just another dead idea.

posted by sarah 2:58 AM