The Burdens of Being Upright

Dec 31, 2002

and they could get away with murder if they smiled fake enough

my year in review:

::january::
january was weird. it came right after i started seriously questioning christianity. by the end of the month i was disenchanted with the whole idea of religion and was somewhere between atheism and insanity. i think it was in january that i met mike breen. i got my lowest grade ever on my report card; an E in english. i think i was pretty sad most of this month or just thought i was.

::february::
february was reflectionary. i went to virginia with cedar ridge one weekend. i began to get my thoughts together about religion. katie and i got really mad at erin one night and i pushed her or something. i think i was kind of confused or sad or unsatisfied this month. i wrote a lot of silly prose.

::march::
march was fun. there were thoughts of a band starting on longmeade and me playing drums. that idea never got anywhere. there was a show at the student union that was a lot of fun. i started going to java head every tuesday. i met pat, chris, and monchie. they're great. i started going out with trevor, he was my first boyfriend. me, katie, angie, and erin had that big discussion at katie's house. the idea of making a zine was started. that idea, too, never got anywhere. i discovered i was an agnostic.

::april::
april was silly. me, trevor, katie, pat, monchie, erin, and mike all went to dc for a picnic and cherry blossoms. me and trevor broke up after 9 days. i turned 15. me and angie started hanging out more. i had a show at my house on the 25th. me and pat started getting closer. i think this was when paul started liking me and things got complicated.

::may::
may was crazy. i slipped on pickle juice in safeway and got a big bruise on my knee. me and erin were fighting and then making up then fighting then making up then fighting then.... and on and on. java head every tuesday, along with the echo spot which i had almost forgotten about. i told angie something that i had never told anyone before. started hanging out with matt, paul, and kevin more. katie was living in greenbelt with her mom now. i went to prom with kevin. i find out about my parents. crazy kids on pcp in bowie yell at us with knives.

::june::
june was employing. i started work at flowers high school typing curriculums for the board of education. me and katie both did. it was fun. things fell apart with pat, as things tend to do. i went to my first ever bane show. life was good. things with parents got worse. but life was still good. a frog peed on me. i think this was when i met dean or it might have been in may. me and erin began to fall apart.

::july::
july was hot. i painted one of my walls red. i went to a shai hulud show. i went to dennys a lot. me and erin just stopped being friends. lots of online fighting. i went to kansas city and indiana with mom and eric. we bought fireworks. me, katie, angie, matt, kevin, bryan, and eric went to OC for a few days. remember the alamo?

::august::
august was explosive. lots of late night fun with fireworks and cones. me and paul went to OC and everyone was down there. this is when katie and kevin started going out. me and paul got closer. i went to a ben kweller show. school started again. eric got his license or that might have been a month or two earlier.

::september::
september was happy. life was happy and beautiful and fun and just great. me and paul started going out on the 30th. i was happy and optimistic. i met a lot of fun kids at school. i think i also met sam this month. some things were still bad. this is when i saw my friend passed out drunk on the sidewalk. it was the one year anniversary of the world trade center attacks as well.

::october::
october was full of holes. the sniper came to our area. things were not as they should be on the news. in my life, things were great. things with paul were fun. i saw bane again. life was good. i started working at the aftercare at holy trinity.

::november::
november was fleeting. i saw the strokes. it was nice. life was school and work. i think i was content. i saw the dillinger escape plan. on the last day, paul said we should go on a break. i didnt mind. i was naive.

::december::
december was a shot in the head. paul told me that he cheated on me with kim. i died. i spent the month trying to distract myself from everything. trying to get over it all. family and cousins came home for christmas. it was fun. i went to NYC with my mom, aunt, and cousin kathy. i bought a bootleg copy of the jackass movie. i spent new years in the best possible way, surrounded by friends at dennys.

::present::
things still are shit. but are starting to get better. i'm beginning to get silly ideas in my head, silly april 15th ideas. i guess i should forget about them for a while. also, mike mcnulty is the coolest person in the world.

posted by sarah 3:19 PM

Dec 22, 2002

she breaks just like a little girl

things fall apart. and me with them. i really need to just... get my shit together. before anything else, i need to figure out whats important and whats just a waste. and what it is that i want and not just what..... makes sense.

posted by sarah 1:50 PM

Dec 18, 2002

i think of you and let it go

i hate the week before christmas. i still have so much stuff i need to buy for various christmas presents. its so stressful. and then having school and work and trying to find time to sleep.... its just not happening. bah. besides all that, things are going pretty good. i've been having a lot of fun at school lately. it seems the happier i am at school, the worse my grades get. oh well, i'll just try to balance the two. a lifetime of homeostasis. CRAP! i just remembered i forget to get a present for the gift exhange thing tomorrow at work! CRAP CRAP CRAP!

posted by sarah 10:52 PM

Dec 14, 2002

hmm... condoms or lipstick...

i make good hot cocoa, at least i think so. i'm so relieved to know that i have the whole weekend ahead of me. knowing that i have all the time in the world just to sit down is so satisfying. it seems i haven't been able to just sit down and catch my breath. anyway. tomorrow me and my mom are going to get our christmas tree. i also need to go do some shopping tomorrow. i was sitting in my room wrapping christmas presents and watching the movie white christmas today and everything felt so...... good. this is how decembers are supposed to be.
there are a few good shows next week. wednesday, city of caterpillar is playing in dc. i'd like to go see them. thursday, mewithoutyou and justice's band are playing at the ottobar. i'm definetly going to that. which reminds me, i need to take off work. its funny what music can do. a cheesy song played over an intercome can give two people the exact same thought. ...everything was beautiful and nothing hurt...

posted by sarah 1:35 AM

Dec 11, 2002

the best thing to do is...

i'm so not over anything. maybe if i pretend to be and say it enough, it will become true. maybe if i stop trying to be the strong one, i won't go insane. maybe if i let myself collapse. if i let everyone else feel like shit. if i let people see me hurting. maybe if i go back to that brick idea. if i kill this idea of hope. if i just face it. maybe if i let myself scream. if i let myself cry. if i dont feel guilty for hating. if i forget how it will effect you. maybe if i just let myself go. maybe then i'll be ok. maybe then you'll understand what hurting really is. and who can say you dont deserve it.

posted by sarah 11:51 PM

Dec 10, 2002

happy 1st birthday blogger

a year ago today i started writing in my own little corner of the internet. this is a milestone, i suppose. i think i'm going to print out all my entries from the past year and either glue them into a journal or staple them together so i can some day have this even if the internet explodes and all my pasts with it.

...and from your lips she drew the hallelujah...

posted by sarah 10:52 PM

Dec 8, 2002

"All the kids are fucking dead." I write, "With love, and a gun to my head."

i dont know what to do. i still have that cant-breathe feeling like someone has punched me in the gut. but maybe that will never go away. except now its mixed with.... sympathy? i'm still in shock and i have no idea how to react. what is overreacting and what's just being an idiot? i have a stupid conscience that cant stand to see him hurting and feels i should forgive him. but i really really do not want to. so i wont. this just, it just isnt right. the only thing i can do right now is keep myself distracted so i dont have to think about it. so here, another whitty distraction:
The following are actual analogies and metaphorsfound in high school essays:

~Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

~His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

~He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

~She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

~She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

~Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

~He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

~The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

~The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

~McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

~From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

~Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

~The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

~Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, on having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

~They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

~John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

~He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

~Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

~Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

~The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

~Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

~"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

~He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

~The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

~It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

~He was so deeply in love that when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

~She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

~Her eyes were the blue like swimming pools, only they had forgotten to put in any algae cleaner.

~She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

~Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

~It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

posted by sarah 7:02 PM

Dec 6, 2002

a lie is a lie, i dont give a fuck how pretty its disguise

last night was the worst night i've ever experienced. i've never cried that hard before. or hated someone as much as i do now.

posted by sarah 2:35 PM

Dec 3, 2002

from trainspotting:

choose life. choose a job. choose a career. choose a family. choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. choose fixed interest mortgage payments. choose a starter home. choose your friends. choose leisurewear and matching luggage. choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a sunday morning. choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. choose your future. choose life.

posted by sarah 10:48 PM