The Burdens of Being Upright

Sep 29, 2002

your body moves like the ocean. and both get me aroused.

my favorite joke ever:
these two cows were standing in a field and one cow said to the other "man, have you heard about that mad cow disease?" and the other cow says "what do i care, i'm a helicopter!"
hahahahahhahaa

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY PAUL!!!

posted by sarah 1:52 AM

Sep 27, 2002

i'm having a really bad day. and i woke up this morning so optimistic. after school today me jason and sean went to the library to work on a report then after that we were walking over to the bank and i see a firetruck pull up next to the community center. then i see one of my best friends from elementary and middle school lying on the ground covered in vomit from alcohol poisoning? overdose? she's barely moving, she cant sit up or talk or even focus her eyes. the paramedics arrived a few minutes later and put her in an ambulance. its tough, seeing someone you've known since 4th grade lying helpless on the side of the road. i didnt know how to react, i dont think i even did react. it wasnt until later that it all hit me. and then i have to come home to this. i've been looking forward to seeing dillinger escape plan for over a month. i've literally been counting down the days. but now i cant go b/c my dad wont let me. i really really wanted to go to this show. i'm pissed off. i hate it. i hate all of it. fucking idiots. the next time i see someone drinking i swear i'm just going to smash the bottle over their head. forget acceptance, forget being openminded and non-judgmental. if you want to act like an idiot and destroy your body then do it right. here's a knife, you're a waste of space. i hate this. i wont even know if she's alive until monday. i hate this world.

posted by sarah 9:30 PM

Sep 26, 2002

thats crazy!

i got my hair cut. its only about 2 inches shorter but i miss those 2 inches :-( oh well, its for the better. it was about time i got a haircut. anyway, i am so exausted. waking up for school every morning leaves me feeling so worn out. i fell asleep in my biology class today. i was kind of asleep but i could still hear the teacher talking. all i really remember is when the bell rang i said to john who was standing over me "golgi cells...... who gives a crap!" and he laughed at me because i was still somewhat asleep and wasnt really sure what i was talking about. and this story is pointless but i have nothing else to write on here. i'm off to go terrorize the vain...

posted by sarah 11:18 PM

Sep 25, 2002

and then he was all... and she was all...

tomorrow i'm getting my hair cut and dyed so i can be pretty. tomorrow's thursday? gah! why isnt this week over? dillinger is on friday. today kaite, erin, angie, kevin, and matt showed up at my house. we walked up to sanders and paul was there. me and angie rode around on bikes and then we all watched tv. i have a huge headache. there's nothing else worth writing about.... i was thinking today about the beach and that one morning we went out and watched the sun rise and the color of the water. that was the perfect color. i wish i could wake up to that every morning.

posted by sarah 10:26 PM

Sep 24, 2002

you knew this day would come

ode to caitlin who is far to great to live all the way in texas:

"I see a rainbow almost everyday, what once was beauty is now just a reminder that somewhere it's raining, and I feel like a dark cloud that cannot pour my heart out and is far away from the spectrum of lights that myth says ends in gold, but there is no end to a rainbow, it is a continual decieving circle, monotonous and fleeting, like life."

"and I almost said goodbye, but I knew she would be back, I still had so much she hadn't used."

posted by sarah 9:42 PM

Sep 22, 2002

all the looks of love were staged

havent updated in a while. lets see..... i had a fun weekend. i went to see majority rule in baltimore with matt and dean last night. good times.
uh..... bloggers are dumb and so are you.
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i saw a new found glory video today and the guitarist (i think this is the guy that was in shai hulud) was wearing a bane shirt. i swear if bane becomes popular i will go on a killing spree.

blah blah blah blah blhab balhalna ablahlahal.... rollin in my grey volvo with my rag top down so my hair can blow, girlies all stand by waiting just to say hi. did i stop? no, i just rolled by....

dr. dre aint got nothin on me!

i'm bored. i think i should leave. but then there's the decision between education and experience. i guess education wins until i grow some balls.

posted by sarah 4:40 PM

Sep 18, 2002

jumped in the river, what did I see? Black-eyed angels swam with me A moon full of stars and astral cars All the things I used to see All my lovers were there with me All my past and futures And we all went to heaven in a little row boat There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

posted by sarah 10:05 PM

Sep 17, 2002

sweet seed that satisfies my sperm! (translation: i wish i was katie)

after school today me and lindsay walked to popeyes and gained 20 pounds. she is the only one cool enough to walk through stores eating corn on the cob. then i came home and time passed by very quickly. i'm wondering what happened to the past 6 hours...

i'm going to get my hair cut. not much shorter but maybe an inch or two. it'll look hott, you'll see.

angie just told me that erika was accepted as a suicide girl, she's my hero. i'm jealous.

i wish it were autumn and cold. i keep wearing sweaters and hoodies and turning up to air conditioning in my house b/c i want it to be cold again.

me and angie decided that saturday is definetly zine day. so many people have said they'd like to contribute things to it. i need to get everything together. this zine is going to be so boss.

posted by sarah 10:08 PM

Sep 16, 2002

jesus makes a nice chapstick holder

sometimes my dad really surprises me with how nice he can be. this morning he asked me to go clean out the truck because i had left some mamba wrappers in there on saturday (mmm.... mambas.... so good.) and when i went to clean them up there was another pack of mambas sitting on the seat. he had gone out and bought me another pack because he noticed that i liked them, which i thought was very thoughtful. it was refreshing, i had almost forgotten what a good guy he really is.

last night was fun. me, eric, and sam went to the vanderbilt show in mayo and got very lost along the way. afterwards me, paul, katie, kevin, and matt went to dennys. boca burgers are so good. then me and paul slept at matt's house. it was nice.

posted by sarah 9:13 PM

Sep 13, 2002

dead as a cat in gummo

tonight was so beautiful. i took my dog on a walk around the neighborhood and it was just perfect. the sun had gone down and night was starting to fall, darkness filling up every crevice. a few faint stars began to show through the vibrant blue of the sky. everything was noisy yet calm. cars drove by on their way home from wherever, dogs barked, a plane flew overhead. it all seemed to follow some pattern. and then the thought occured to me, "this is what i'd miss the most." this transition from day to night, just walking down the street, if i were to die this is what i'd miss the most. it reminded of that night a few years ago after hurricane floyd. when all the power went out and me and my mom took the dog on a walk down the street. every house, every street light, it was all darkness. terrifying yet beautiful at the same time. the usual eerie blue light from tvs that shone through people's windows was replaced with the peaceful warmth of candlelight. it was great. i cant wait until autumn.

posted by sarah 11:07 PM

Sep 12, 2002

and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

love is not concerned
with whom you pray
or where you slept
the night you ran away
from home
love is concerned
that the beating of your heart
should kill no one.
-Alice Walker

i like life. (good topic sentence for lindsay.) school is great. friends are great. everything's great. i'm happy. or not happy, happiness isnt something you're meant to feel all the time. more like... i'm good. there's still times when i get upset or angry but it's not all that important to me anymore. instead of running from emotions, i'm embracing them. just waking up every morning is good enough for me. just being alive and with the people i love. the only thing that scares me is knowing that i can never feel good without something going wrong. its just a test to see what will give way first.

posted by sarah 11:37 PM

Sep 11, 2002

gah?

so its been a year. my english teacher made me read this thing in class today that i wrote last october. we had to use personification in an essay and i wrote mine about the whole 9-11 thing. i'm pretty proud of it although i think some things could be re-worded so it would flow better. anyway, here it is:

The planes were hijacked, the buildings crumbled, the people died. The lives were affected, the flags were displayed, the security was broken. The mourning, the anger, the shock. What should I do at a time like this? How am I supposed to feel?
Walking home from school 2 hours early with my friend Confusion at my side. Not sure what's going on. Wondering what happened, wondering which rumors are true.
Sitting in front of the television with Disbelief watching the news. "How can this be?" he asks me. "This can't be real."
Sorrow leans towards me and whispers "See the man falling from the tower?" I shudder and think of what must be going on inside his head. I almost cry as I imagine myself being faced with the same decision; either die now or die soon.
Anger comes in the room, uninvited as usual. "Do you see the people cheering? How I wish they were the ones who were killed."
Boredom is staring out the window, "When will all this be over? I'm sick of it already."
Two days later I'm back at school; still not knowing what to feel. Then Disgust pays me a visit as we listen to the racist remarks of those surrounding us. "I think I'm going to be sick."
That day Pride came over and we gazed at all the American flags that abounded. "We're so united. They can never kill the spirit of democracy."
Realizing the things this country has done caused me to call my friend Shame. We sat together with our heads hung, vowing never to converse with Pride again.
Indifference is more of a foe than a friend. He stops by uninvited and doesn't leave for days, sometimes weeks. For almost 3 weeks Indifference sat by my side, always stating his opinion, a contrary one each time.
Finally Acceptance came to be with me, forcing Indifference out the door. We sit together with Sympathy for those who think that Revenge holds the answer.

posted by sarah 10:25 PM

Sep 9, 2002

hi super nintendo chalmers

i went shopping today. and by shopping, i mean i went over lindsay's house and rumaged through her mom's old clothes from the 70s and 80s. i now have a lot of nice sweaters. and it cost me a total of $0. no school tomorrow. fun fun fun.

here's a segment from a note me and jason were writing eachother today:

jason: who is cooler mario or sonic?
me: luigi, all the way.
jason: i think mario and luigi are stereotypes of the italian community and is saying that all italians are plumbers. but sonic is stupid. i like yoshi.
me: mario and luigi portray the positive side of the italian-american subculture. instead of being stereotyped as members of the mafia who spend their days robbing banks, murdering people, and dealing cocaine, mario and luigi use their powers for good. how many other people would crawl through sewers, battling mushrooms and flying turtles, in order to save a princess who, lets face it, aint gonna do 'em both.

this conversation proves that me and jason are both so totally boss..... and you are not.

i hope i dont get the west nile virus.

posted by sarah 6:33 PM

Sep 8, 2002

they spun a web

i love the song hallelujah by rufus wainwright. its so nice and so true. i have a horse in my room! its this toy horse on springs that you can sit on that we used to have when i was a kid but we donated it to our church's nursery almost 10 years ago. it was deemed "unsafe" so they were throwing it out today but me and eric salvaged it. i want to paint my walls grey. (except for the red one). i want to do one wall with wide vertical stripes of light grey and dark grey and then on another wall make it checkered with the same two greys except at an angle so its checkered diamonds and then on the last wall do the design me and angie saw at black cat. i think it would look hott. lets hope i actually do all this. i made a thing on one of my jackets today. it was inspired by september 11th. i know that on wednesday i'm going to see everyone decked out in american flags making racist remarks so this is my way to counteract all that and keep my sanity. oh yeah, the thing is a picture of an american flag, an afghan flag, an israeli flag, and a palestinian flag and at the top it says "united we stand". its supposed to show that unity cannot exist within just one country, but with everyone. i'm such a dork. school tomorrow. its actually not a bother to me this year. nothing really is. i'm just really fine with everything. there's so many things i could be upset or angry about but i'm not. there's just too many things to be happy about to waste my time feeling down. yeah, i like paul. the end.

posted by sarah 10:09 PM

john lennon knows

this song sums up all my ideas and beliefs about life and humanity:

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

(that was imagine by john lennon, as if you didnt know)

posted by sarah 1:15 AM

Sep 7, 2002

i gave her my heart and she gave me a cold

i just got my bank statement. i had $600 in my account when i opened it and now i have $600.33!!! thank god for interest! now i can buy that 67 camaro i've been wanting....

posted by sarah 9:02 PM

Sep 6, 2002

"and their smiles -- those heartless smiles..."

last night me and angie went to the black cat and saw some bands. the first band had really good music but the singer just seemed so arrogant that he kind of ruined it. the second band, rah bras, started out really good and then got really strange and bad and creepy. bratmobile (the band we came for) was good, i didnt really like some of the stuff that the singer said though, but eh, what are you gonna do. me and angie are so extreme. there's this ledge about a foot off the ground on the wall outside of black cat that kind of slants down. we kept running and jumping on it and trying to walk sideways without falling. (its a lot harder than it sounds) and anyway, this makes us cool.

it occurs to me now that tomorrow is not guaranteed. i used to think that i wasnt that afraid of death. but now i know more than ever how terrified i really am. so many things i'll regret and so many things i'll never get to do. EVERY LIVING CREATURE ON EARTH DIES ALONE. it makes me so angry that next week i could be gone and for what? for a stupid arguement over LAND, over RELIGION, over EGOS. and all i wanted was to graduate and have a nice little house in the middle of nowhere, i never had a part in any of this, but yet maybe my life will one day pay for it. it's a scary thought; i'm going to die.

posted by sarah 4:44 PM

Sep 4, 2002

make me a sandwich... NO BALLS

everytime my biology teacher says chlorophyll in class i get the urge to shout out "Chlorophyll? more like BOROPHYLL!!" but i never do, no balls.

posted by sarah 5:34 PM

Sep 2, 2002

truth hurts, and so does getting kicked in the shin

i woke up this morning feeling like crap. i couldnt even look in the mirror, i was so disgusted with the person i'd see. it was just one of those days... and then i got over myself and had a good day.

>>/as he smacks into the pavement, he realizes his own mortality.<<

i went over to hebert's this morning and played with legos with eric and lauren. legos are so much fun, i wish we still had all ours. later me and paul went to erin's house. paul lent me a copy of metamorphosis so i can read it. he's so pretty. kevin, katie, and sam were also at erin's. i hadnt been to erin's since...... june. her living room looks really pretty. but i sensed that i wasnt welcome from linda. oh well. then we (except for erin and sam) went to katie's and watched jacob's ladder. i think its a good movie. kind of confusing, but i guess that makes it "artistic". i dont want katie to move to edgewater, i wont see her as often. i guess i'll just have to make eric take me there every five minutes in the big green love machine. i should be going to sleep soon, i have school in the morning and its picture day. school isnt so bad this time around. i mean, i'm tired as crap in the mornings and there's a lot of things i'd rather be doing than writing essays and taking quizzes but it doesnt bother me that much. i actually enjoy going there most days. lets hope this feeling lasts.

posted by sarah 11:50 PM

i used to hate cell phones but now i hate car crashes

romper stomper seemed like a good movie. i wish i had gotten to see all of it.

i give up.

my posts are getting shorter and shorter. maybe if i post less they'll be longer. hmmn......

posted by sarah 12:50 AM

Sep 1, 2002

there's nothing clever left to be said

show tonight in laurel. fun fun fun. actually the best part was afterwards when we went to this kid's house and ate pizza. and me, matt, and paul sat on the floor talking. sometimes i'd rather be with one or two people than at a show surrounded by a lot of kids.

posted by sarah 2:06 AM