The Burdens of Being Upright

Jun 30, 2002

the only constant feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you

i hate when people respond to someone's response to my response of complaint on complaining and then complain about the complaining response to the complaint.... hahaha. yeah, i wrote that yesterday b/c i was annoyed at erin and i wasnt trying to disguise the fact that it was about erin and i wasnt trying to start a fight either, i was just annoyed. i get iritated with erin too much. i should stop being so uptight. anyway, i love erin and katie.
last night we went to a show at wmuc radio station. one of the funnest shows i've been to in a while. it had a nice positive atmosphere. probably because the chase played. oh man, that sXe hip-hop thing was the greatest.
what shape does cheese come in... A WEDGE
what do dhfdjhgiufdgh jump off of.... A LEDGE
what hammar do i use... A SLEDGE
what keeps us strong... THE EDGE THE EDGE
and then the preschool song was so funny. time out of line rocked my socks off, of course. i'm gonna miss those guys when andrew and nick go maine. i walked to 7-eleven with dean and katie (different one) and we passed by java head. it made me sad to see it. i miss that place. it sucks that that part of my life is over and i can never get it back. but oh well, it was fun while it lasted and i'm kind of glad its over i guess. after the show we (me, katie, paul, matt, dean, katie, nigel, and later gordon and mike) went to dennys. then we (minus dean and katie) went to katie landy's house and watched some skate video. when i finally got home it was about 2:00 am. i got a "stern talking to". it was silly. i'm not in any trouble though, which is good. a little while later someone was tapping on my window. i couldnt see who it was because it was dark. i'm thinking it was matt or paul... then i watched singing in the rain for the millionth time this week and fell asleep. the end.

posted by sarah 2:43 PM

Jun 29, 2002

no single raindrop believes it is responsible for the whole flood

blah blah blah, i'm so lonely, i've been at home all day, blah blah blah, none of my friends will hang out with me, blah blah blah, complain, complain, complain.
i hate when people call me and complain loud enough for the person a few feet away to hear, especially when the only reason they're calling me is because one of your other friends cancelled on you and you need something else to do. "i tried calling sarah repeatedly because now that lee wasn't coming over i wanted something to do." and then you have the nerve to tell me that i'm rude because i choose to hang up the phone and go back to watching a movie instead of sitting there listening to you carry on about how nobody loves you and how i shouldnt be hanging out with one of my friends. forget that. my life is not to be at your beckoned call and entertain you. its so annoying when people (not just you) dont know how to be independent.
this computer has seen way to many of my moods. i've been so happy, so angry, so depressed, so alone, so loved, so everything sitting in this chair. its not right. we've all become so accustomed to talking to people over the internet that its completely killed our communication. no one ever talks to each other in person anymore. about the most important things to. they'd so much rather hide behind a screen because of their embarrassment or fear or whatever. and i do it too.
yesterday was fun. after work i went to katie's. katie decided she wanted to have friends over. so angie, erin, matt, paul, and kevin all came over. matt and paul lit katie's balcony on fire and burned down the whole apartment complex. (slightly exaggerated) and then we ate chinese food (mmm...) and watched boondock saints. thats a really good movie, i like it a lot. then we went to kmart but it was closed so we went to erin's house. kevin and paul left. i was being complainy because i was tired and wanted to go home. but matt was having fun with that flash thing that freezes your shadow. a few minutes later matt was ready to leave and we all went back to our separate homes. poor matt, always getting stuck with taking everyone home. erin was complaining because she wanted to do something and didnt want to spend "another lonely night at home" but sweetie, everyone else was doing the same thing. you can be alone without being lonely.

posted by sarah 1:56 PM

Jun 27, 2002

making lives miserable for 5th graders everywhere

whoa. yesterday i was given a folder with the math curriculum in it and asked to format and type it. i finally just finished. i worked all day yesterday and only got 34 pages done. then today i finished the rest. I TYPED 56 PAGES!!! thats it. i'm a god. ok lets see... yesterday... yesterday i went over erin's house after work. we watched tv and played on the computer and looked at porn (which we didnt hide under her mattress)... oh yeah, i ate all of erin's food because i was really hungry and her refrigerator looked too full. erin started spazzing and she bit my shoulder blade and ran around the house screaming and ran into the sliding glass door. i'm not sure why. i think she was trying to seduce me... katie got off at work at 8 (poor katie working 2 jobs) and she came over. then kevin came over and we all went to matt's house. other people were there; bryan, paul, lauren, david, a different matt, and later two guys named eric and james came over. i dont remember what we did. i do remember spilling root beer on my pants and playing with my new cell phone. i called angie and screamed and hung up. hehehe. there was a big frog (or toad, i dont know) that was hopping around so i picked it up. then i was going to put it down in the grass b/c i didnt want it to jump out of my hands, hit the pavement, and die. and then it peed on me! i yelled "IT PEED ON ME!!! SICK!!", tossed it on the ground, and ran inside to wash my hands. ahh that was so gross. and the frog lived in case you all were worried. i think that guy eric might think i'm gay. he kept calling things "gay" that he thought were dumb and it made me kinda mad so i said "wait, are you straight?" and he said "yeah" and i was like "gross! thats so sick! why dont you go have sex with a girl or something..." and "ooo, let's be heterosexual, like that hasnt been done before" (in a mocking voice) and then i gave bryan a hug b/c i was leaving and eric said "hey, can i have a hug" and i said "sorry, i dont hug heteros" so i really have no clue why he would think i'm gay, what a silly boy. anyway, after being at matt's house we went to 7-eleven and katie bought me a slurpee. then kevin took me, erin, and katie back to erin's house where we slept. oh yeah, kevin let me drive the other day!!! it was my first time driving ever. i drove around the roosevelt parking lot, mostly in circles like in that smashing pumpkins video for 1979. but i did chase after some pedestrians and then quickly stopped when they turned around. it was fun. i cant wait until i get a car. so.... blah blah blah blah... i'm dumb. katie just flexed her arm for me... i'm not sure why... i think i'm gonna get back to work. bye everyone.

"have a doctor come and visit us and tell us which one is sane." (white stripes)

posted by sarah 11:55 AM

Jun 25, 2002

naked, broken, my world is crumbling and i cant find myself or my way out of here

40 minutes left of work. we had to do actual work again today, isnt that disgusting? typing for 3 hours straight isnt very fun. but oh well, its making me money. let's see... so far i've made... (using calculator)... 294 dollars! (minus taxes) i wonder when i get my paycheck... hopefully soon. i feel kind of bleh today. i want to do something fun tonight. reading what i wrote last night makes me feel like an idiot. i dont like feeling sorry for myself. so many people have to go through so much worse than i do. i shouldnt be complaining. my life isnt very bad at all.

posted by sarah 2:21 PM

Jun 24, 2002

cause loving words are only words when loving words mean nothing

another secret to ad to the list. its not that i'm purposely holding this stuff in, i have to. this could be a good thing or it could be a very bad thing, we'll just have to see where it goes. anyway, 3 days in a row is not good. i need to stop this and just deal. it made me think though, could that be the last time...... ? nevermind, i dont want to post this for all eyes to see. i'll go write about this in my actual journal, i havent written in that thing in forever.

"you were never guaranteed 31"

posted by sarah 9:38 PM

H O L D I N G T H I S M O M E N T

yesterday. what a lousy miserable day but with the greatest ending. i saw BANE! they played at the spotlight in woodbridge, va. i dont like the spotlight, too much of a redneck vibe. me, katie, erin, matt and kevin all went down there. it took us forever long to get there because of traffic. i think it was about 4:30 when we finally got there. i wish i had known that bane wasnt gonna end up playing until after 10, i wouldnt have gone down there so early. it wasnt bad though. me and matt walked over to mcdonalds. matt ordered one box of chicken nuggets but the guy that worked there gave him about 5 boxes. i think he had a crush on him. i helped him eat all the other chicken nuggets. it wasnt that fun of a show until bane took the stage around 11. they played sunflowers and sunsets which made me very happy. i got hit in the head with aaron's mic but thats ok... i got to see bane! seeing bane overshadowed the bad parts of the day. like when kevin came to pick me up and my dad had a fit because he claims i didnt tell him about the show. (which i did days ago) i really hate being yelled at and told that he's not going to put up with all this show stuff. fuck you. this is what makes me happy, i'm not going to change anything for you. i'm not going to sit around the house all day wasting away; thats you. the stress from that mixed with everything else really upset me. it was all i could do not to start crying in kevin's car on the way home. when i got home i went downstairs to my room and just couldnt keep it in any more, and i felt like an idiot. when you have to keep things inside, they start to eat away at you. and destroy you from the inside out. oh well. only 3 more years. and then i'm free. and so are you two.

posted by sarah 9:25 AM

Jun 22, 2002

learn to co-exist

i was looking at pictures from when i was a kid and at my elementary and middle school yearbooks. it feels unfair that i can never have that portion of my life back. i can never call myself a student at yorktown elementary school again. i cant get away with jumping through the sprinkler in my front yard or spending the whole day with lindsay playing barbies or dress-up in her basement listening to her parents old 8-tracks and records. that part of my life is over. i miss it. there's a picture of a 3 year old me and lindsay sitting in the grass with unseasonal hats and mittens on. i didnt know it was possible to smile that big. we both look so indredibly happy and i dont even know the reason. i wish i could bottle that joy and keep it with me so i can take it out whenever i need it. but no sarah, you arent meant to be happy all the time. some days you need to face the pain.
hope is a beautiful thing. i had a lot of time to think things over today and decide how i feel towards different people and different topics. its great. my head is clear, i have no more worries. i'm happy. everything is so simple now. it's all in black & white and i wonder why i ever thought my life was complicated. i'm so happy. i want everyone to be able to feel this way.

posted by sarah 11:02 PM

Jun 21, 2002

these broken fingers keep me from holding on too tight

the only thing that's really different is that i've changed it's name. no longer do i see it as a truth but as a possibility. i can read the bible all i want, i can close my eyes and talk to the ceiling but it still doesn't help, those pretty songs may be nice to listen to but thats all. and it only took me 14 years to figure that out. your beliefs are just that, only beliefs. you can call it divine truth if that makes it easier to believe in but saying it doesnt make it so. you do not know. i used to think i did. i was so sure of myself. i thought i had found the... well... the way, the truth, and the life. i still liked to think that i was open-minded and non-judgemental. but i wasnt. saying you love someone and actually loving them are two very different things. and it is only now that i see that. trying to talk to you is impossible. you say you want to listen, you say that you care. but you have no concept of the word understanding, your only interest is making me agree with you. you want to show me the "truth" because you "care" about my future. when really all you want is someone to agree with you. because your faith is so shaky, and you need someone to tell you that everything will be alright and to pat you on the back and tell you that you've done a good job and that you're right. it's ridiculous. how people fight over religion. both waving their swords and screaming about their truth. they'd take your life not to show you the truth, but to prove to themselves that it is true. how many different truths can there be? they take the name of god and use it to justify their blood-thirsty nature. this is not to put down anyone who calls themself a christian, or any other religion for that matter. if you believe in jesus and thats what gets you through, thats great, "live the life that you love, love the life that you live." but instead of calling something truth, call it a belief. because thats all it is. accept the fact that you do not know for sure, that you do not have proof. believe, but do not know. isnt that what faith is all about anyway? believing in what you do not know to be true. i dont want to hear "jesus is the only way. he will make you complete." this lifestyle may complete you, but not me. and i'm not being stubborn. respect that i dont believe it. i'm not saying that i'm an athiest. i just see christianity as one of many possibilities, not as a truth. nevermind, i've rambled enough already. if you want to know what i believe, then just ask.

posted by sarah 10:28 AM

Jun 20, 2002

ACTUAL WORK!!!

a woman came in and asked katie to type something for her. it's on 5 really big sheets of paper, so i have to sit here and hold them for katie. we're actually working, this is so exciting!

posted by sarah 11:10 AM

elements of an effective nosebleed

Hey, I'm at work. (Who am I saying hey to?) I like working, it gives me something to do. It helps to take my mind off of my stupid little adolescent problems. Katie keeps reading my blogger, I should stab her in the eye with that red sharpie........ hmm..... Good, that made her stop. All we're doing is sending emails to eachother all day, even though she's sitting right next to me and I could easily reach over and pull her hair or something, she's that close. Like this... *pulls katie's hair*... hehehe.....
posted by sarah 10:50 AM

Jun 19, 2002

katie doesn't remember her password but i do

work work work. only one hour left. the day consisted of me listening to cds and "surfin the net" with a little curriculum typing inbetween. this job is a little boring but i think all jobs are. at least i get to be online and listen to music and i actually get paid for it. katie's writing in her blogger about how she made out with kevin last night...although she calls it "walking around in the rain". i'm kind of bored. i think when i get home i'm gonna make my mom take me to walmart.... and not invite katie! ok, fine katie, you can come too. STOP SMILING!!! (katie is sitting right next to me). read her blogger, she's super cool.... wait, super DUPER cool. i just made a link to katie's blogger in her name. erin's going to get jealous or sad when she reads this. she'll complain about how she's being left out. erin, i love you! well anycrap, BANE is on sunday at the spotlight. i'm going with all my rad friends. if you're not going, then you're not rad. 57 minutes until work is over. then i can go home and wait until i come back... thats right, i'm a working woman now. bitter complaining and all. i think i should go watch officespace, i'm feeling like i need to rip off my employer (pg county school system). katie's twirling on her chair and reading what i'm typing. you can wait until i publish it katie! rahh! now she's making me listen to modest mouse. grr! hey, its not that bad.... la la la la la la... wait, this guy sings a little oddly. i think i should end this post now, i should have ended it a long time ago but boy aint rambling fun?

posted by sarah 2:07 PM

Jun 18, 2002

Curriculum Writing Production Center

I'm sitting in a computer lab at Flowers High School for my first day of work. Today is just a "kick-off" type thing. We actually start working tomorrow. Katie's sitting a few computers over, she's playing some sort of game. (Hi Katie!) I thought that maybe I should start using proper punctuation and capitalization to make my blogger look nice and professional.... maybe not. Oh yeah! BANE is playing in Woodbridge on June 23rd. I have to go, there is no way I am missing that show. Now I just have to find a way to get down to Woodbridge... I'm sure one of my friends that drive will be going... I hope. I had better get back to work. Bye.

posted by sarah 11:42 AM

Jun 16, 2002

where's sarah?

if you want to know what i did on friday then read katie's blogger

on saturday, i woke up at 10 am to say bye to my parents. (they were going to richmond for their anniversary for the weekend.) an hour or so later lindsay called and we walked up to the pool for family fun day so we could take advantage of the free food. at around 1 we came home. i got online for a little bit and then i think around 2 or 3 i laid down to take a nap, i dont really remember. when i woke up, it was 10 this morning. i saw the clock and it said 10:13 so i thought that it was 10 at night on saturday. then i saw some light coming through the blanket that covers my window and i was really confused and didnt even know what day it was. i went upstairs to find eric but couldnt find him. i looked at the caller id and eric's cell phone was on it a whole lot. so i called it but no one answered. i got online and imed erin "what day is it?" erin was like "are you okay?!?! we were all so worried!! where were you!!" huh? apparently while i was asleep eric had come home but forgotten his key so he couldnt get in. no one knew where i was and they were all worried. they thought i was raped or dead or abducted by aliens or something. katie and eric had to sleep over kevin's house because the door was locked and i was fast asleep in my bed in the basement and didnt hear their knocking. i feel so bad. its kind of funny though. i had left a message on eric's cell phone and he called back and said "you mean you were just asleep this whole time?" yeah, thats me, i sleep for 20 hours. anyway, i'm still kind of tired. i think i'll go take another nap... or a shower. i havent taken one since thursday (or was it wednesday night?) gross, i'm gonna go shower. bye.

posted by sarah 3:10 PM

Jun 12, 2002

"growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of a cancer cell"

tomorrow is my last day of school! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! looking back on the year, i dont know how i made it through. thank god its over! whoa. i changed a lot since the first day of school, but i guess thats expected. well anycrap, here's some quotes for yous alls to enjoy:

"My old clock used to tell them time and subdivide diurnity; but now its lost both hands and chime and only tells eternity." (Piet Hein)

"Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth." (Baz Luhrman)

"They were more fearful of my ideas than they would have been had I held a gun on them; they could have taken the gun away from me and shot me with it, but they did not know what to do with ideas." (Richard Wright)

"Begin with an individual and before you know it you find that you have created a type; begin with a type, and you find that you have created nothing." (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

"Home, home - a few small rooms, stiflingly over-inhabited by a man, by a periodically teeming woman, by a rabble of boys and girld of all ages. No air, no space; an understerilized prison; darkness, disease, and smells." (Aldous Huxley)

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." (Dr. Suess)

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art. It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." (C.S. Lewis)

ok, thats enough. night everyone.

posted by sarah 11:51 PM

Jun 11, 2002

if i have to die, i'm taking the world with me

looking back, it all seems so pointless. so much of my thoughts wasted on people who never even mattered. i'd like to say i wont let it happen again but i'd only be fooling myself.

last night i slept over katie's house. this morning we woke up and went to the board of education building in upper marlbro to get fingerprinted for our new jobs. (wooo!) i got to school at 9:30, an hour into my geometry final. i managed to get about half of it done but i have to come in on thursday to finish it. :-( then i went to govt. to take my final in there, it wasnt so bad. i skipped english and just went to 1st lunch b/c its always so hot in my english class. and we were getting out 2 hours early anyway because of the health advisory. after 1st and 2nd lunch, school was over. kevin was waiting for me outside... blah blah blah... we (me, kevin, bryan) went to roosevelt to pick up erin and katie. we all went to katie's dad's house to visit her dad. then we went to erin's house. around 4, kevin took me and bryan home. so tomorrow i have my english and science finals. we'll probably get out early again b/c the air is so sick and polluted in merryland. then thursday i need to go back in and finish my geometry final. then i have to be at the board of ed. at 12:30 for an orientation. fun fun. i start work on tuesday. :-) i'll be making about $240 a week! (minus taxes) i'm so happy, money will enable me to fill the void in my life with material posessions. and we all know how well that works... so......... yeah........ hmmm...... i have some stuff on my mind. its really not all that important. i know in a month or so it wont even matter anymore. but i still cant help but stress over it. i guess i should "do the right thing" (if only i knew what that was). bleh. its summer. i shouldnt have to worry about this. why cant life be simple. oh yeah, i know why, because then it would be boring.

posted by sarah 8:15 PM

Jun 9, 2002

you're evil... evil like cupid

fun weekend. show at cedar ridge on friday. it was fun. afterwards we went to dennys. i'm such a dork, i always order the same thing when i go there. then today i went to takoma park to see the sprickets (woohoo!) play. afterwards, me angie katie erin and lee sat on the lawn of some church and talked about the zine. i'm really looking foward to making one, we need to think of a name though. if anyone has any ideas, tell me. now i'm at angie's house. angie and katie are asleep. me and erin are watching romeo & juliet (the new one). i should really start sleeping at night.

posted by sarah 3:18 AM

Jun 5, 2002

it wears her out

oh the heat! i'm so miserable. i think i might be sick or fatigued or something. yesterday i woke up at 3:30 pm then i went back to sleep at 10:30 pm. then i woke up for school this morning at 6:20, it was so hot and miserable and the air was so unbreathable. i felt suffocated the whole day. when i got home i took a cold shower and then took a nap in my nice cool basement room. i woke up at 6 pm. now its 10:30 and i'm still very tired. after all this sleep i've gotten you'd think i'd be wide awake, but no, i feel so weak. erin told me to eat bread b/c it has carbohydrates and will give me energy. so i just made myself a peanutbutter sandwich.... mmmm..... good.... i think i might go to bed soon. hey, only 5 days left of school. summer! woohoo?

posted by sarah 10:45 PM

Jun 3, 2002

oh yeah

i got a job! at flowers high school! i'm typing up curriculums and such (4th period typing class has not gone to waste). it's only for 4 weeks i think, but it's $8 an hour! and i think katie said all together i'll work 100 hours... so thats $800!!! i've never had that much money before, i dont know what i'll do with it! oh yeah, and the best part is that katie and angie are working with me! all three of us are gonna rolling in the dough. except they'll have more than me b/c they both have other jobs. (angie works at visions, katie at the curiosity shop) anyway, this is my first job. i'm psyched!

posted by sarah 8:30 PM

me: i'm so happy we dont try to be punk anymore
katie: me too

saturday consisted of me waking up at 4:30 pm and then doing nothing all day. it wasnt very fun but i needed a day to be lazy and not have to be around people, even if they are my friends.
sunday, i woke up around noon. did nothing. kevin and katie picked me up around 4:15. we picked up erin and then went to a show in annapolis (vanderbilt, underoath, chorus of saints, other bands played too but they're not important). it was a fun show. too many bands played though, it was long. after the show, i went to dennys with paul and matt. i had a chocolate milkshake and motzerella sticks. i got home around 1 am. i'm so dumb. then i couldnt get to sleep for another hour or two so i ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep and then going to school. surprisingly i didnt fall asleep in any of my classes. at least tonight i can make up for lost sleep b/c i dont have school tomorrow (graduation). so all you roosevelt kids should be jealous b/c you have to go to school or you should just skip and come hang out with me b/c i'm going to be so bored.

hey, where's my angie? i havent seen her in years!! (since wednesday)

posted by sarah 5:21 PM