May 12, 2002
While the doll yields itself willingly to the strings, it lives contently.
The Heart - Stephen Crane
In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, beastial
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And it is my heart."
i dont know what to do. so much drama going on. he hates her and she hates him and he hates him and she hates her and blah blah blah. so if one friend doesnt like another, what do i do? do i stand in the middle and try to make friendly conversation while the two of you stand with swords drawn? i'm sorry, but i can't do that. it's not my place to ask for peace, but what am i to do? i won't hate someone for your reasons. and all this other crap going on. before it was, things were happening at their own pace. now i'm forced to examine the situation and its like everything's already been planned out. and i dont know. everyone is just so overdramatic. YOU'RE 15, IS IT REALLY THAT SERIOUS?!?!?!?! you arent meant to be happy all the time. happiness is not necessarily a good thing. i feel like shit right now. and when you are happy, what then? i cant think right now.... the words arent coming together... i'm confused and being stupid and dramatic.... fuck this. fuck everything. fuck you. i'm trying to fight the battles that have already been won. look, here's the deal: i am a bad friend. the truth is i will not be there for you every second of the day. i won't drop everything in my life and coming running to your side. i'm not selfless. there's some days when i have to plug my ears because i cant listen to it anymore. i have to get away to keep my sanity. and yes its selfish. and yes i admit to that. i am a bad friend! and oh god that feels liberating! i'll be a friend the best i can, but thats all i can give you. i never promised that i'd be there for you, i never asked for this title. i love you. i cant imagine life without you. but for gods sake, lighten up. you've had a stick up your ass for far too long. you're 15, is it really that serious? no. its not. i'm sorry. i need a hug.
posted by sarah 11:19 PM
