The Burdens of Being Upright

May 31, 2002

"Summer school be from July 1 until July 26."
(from the Bowie High School Newsletter)

let me start off by telling you about wednesday. me and kevin went and picked up angie. we went to the student union for the show but we get there and the doors are locked and its dark inside. we walk around for a few minutes and find matt and paul. then we notice that there's another door on the other side of the building with a sign saying that the show was moved. so we make the long (2 minute) drive to a house in hyattsville where the show is. it was a fun show. i guess i cant really say that since i didnt spend much time watching the bands. but i wasnt in the mood for a crowded sweaty basement, but it was a fun night. erin and katie came after pat's graduation. i wanted to go to it but i had no way of getting there :-( matt took me home and i went to sleep. but i probably got online first, i dont know.
thursday night i went to the wmuc station to see time out of line play. fun times. not the greatest show they've ever played but i still enjoyed it. i dont know, i think the crowd was too old to appreciate the music. i just liked getting to see my friends.
today i went to school. i hate waking up at 6:20 every morning, but at least i only have to do it 7 more times! i thought today was supposed to be cooler so i wore pants. bad idea. it's scorching hot outside and i was miserable all day. 2nd and 6th pd. (my only two classes with air conditioning) werent too bad but the rest were horrible. lunch was the worst. so many people crammed into a hot, sweaty, smelly cafeteria with nothing but two fans. i saw one of the kids that was at freestate on friday in school today. it was the really short one that was starting the most shit. i've never seen him at school before but apparently he's 17 instead of 12 as we all had thought. oh and erin or katie told me that all those kids were on PCP at the time they were yelling at us. *sigh* poor bowie kids. its sad but bowie's drug scene is growing. i cant say i'm surprised though. you mix a bunch of white suburban kids with boredom and you get drug addictions. i dont know what else i'm doing today or tomorrow. i'm thinking i want to go to dc tomorrow and just "dick around" (katie and erin will appreciate that). anyone want to come?

posted by sarah 3:54 PM

May 29, 2002

went to a show today. fun.

posted by sarah 10:42 PM

May 28, 2002

your kiss might kill me.. so wont you kill me... so i can die happy?

music doesnt taste as sweet as it used to. i'm running out of things to look forward to. all this has turned to habit. the same people with the same problems. the same places with the same dullness. i've walked down this road a thousand times. shouldnt i be discovering new roads? things could change drastically any day now or they could remain the same for the next 3 years. we all know how it is going to end, the question is just a matter of when will the end come? i'm running out of things to look forward to. summer has lost its sweetness. i want to get out of this house. standing in the kitchen, stirring something in a pan for dinner. and what i hear is not worth listening to. this yelling, this screaming. i have the urge to throw the pan against the wall. bite my bottom lip to keep from dripping tears into the food. and then that question, "how would you feel if....?" i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i do. i dont know how much more of this i can take. but i will endure if this is what you think is best. its all your decision. just dont think this is doing me any favors. i wish life would have been better for you. i cant even look at your face without wanting to cry. i'm running out of things to look forward to. give me something worth waking up for.

posted by sarah 10:14 PM

May 27, 2002

defying gravity

profound. erin saw me cry tonight. good god, i am human. you dont understand this if you dont know me very well. i barely cry. and no one has seen me cry since i was a little kid. so it is very groundbreaking. so akward though. i never cry in front of people. i love erin.

posted by sarah 10:28 PM

children, scooch closer, dont make me tell you again about the scooching.

my weekend in a nutshell:
friday - katie came over. we walked up to sanders. ate hot dogs. erin came over. time passed. me, erin, katie, kevin, matt, bryan, bryan, and gordon went to abandoned house on other side of bowie. house was scary. i (and others) were too scared to go inside it. maybe we'll go back some day when its not night time... then we went to freestate mall in hopes of climbing on the roof. (i dont know, shut up, we're suburban) we see a bunch of kids standing in the back parking lot. we go over to see if matt's friend wayne is there. he's not. then some kids come out of the woods obviously drunk or stoned or both. and oh yeah, some of them have knives. and they start yelling something about paintballs and how they're gonna fuck us up or whatnot. we all leave. that was stupid. i feel bad for those kids. we go home. erin and katie sleep over.
saturday - blah blah blah. not much happens. sit around the house all day. me, eric (my brother), kevin, and angie go to platos and eat. andrew and katie show up just as we're leaving. angie goes with them. me, eric, and kevin go back to my house and watch snl. kevin leaves. i go to bed.
sunday - not much happens. sit around house. go to pig roast in hyattsville. spent time with fun people who i should see more often. katie, andrew, steve, nabeen, mike, brent, chris, to name a few. saw star wars with katie, mike, chris, brent, and arthur. star wars is good but its so loooooooooong. i got kind of bored. but yeah i definetly have a crush on natalie portman now. went back to katie's house. fell asleep.
mondey - woke up. lay in bed with katie and mike watching Footloose and Grease. went outside and swung. its hot as balls. went home. got online. tired. hot. still sick. oh yes, i have a govt essay due tomorrow. damn.

posted by sarah 3:45 PM

May 22, 2002

the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what i'll never have

so the school year's all most over. i think my goal for this year was to read a lot more than i had the year before. i think i accomplished that. let's see what books i've read since last summer:

Black Boy
1984
The Catcher In The Rye
Animal Farm
Annie John
Lord Of The Flies
To Kill A Mockingbird
Brave New World
All Quiet On The Western Front
Fifth Business
Great Expectations
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy
The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe
Life, The Universe, And Everything
Youth In Revolt

thats definetly more than i read last year, which was i think 3. i feel accomplished. so lets move on to something of importance (or of no importance)...

things are effed. of course, i must be being over-dramatic but i dont like the situation right now. i dont like that there is a situation. i cant write too much about it in here, i wouldnt want someone to read it and get the wrong idea. i dont know. everything's fine.

posted by sarah 10:46 PM

May 20, 2002

pineapple soda = 53 grams of sugar = makes me sick

bleg! pineapple soda is so good. i was drinking one at lunch today. i had drinken about half of it when i glanced at the nutrition facts and saw that it had 53 grams of sugar! thats too much! so i poured out the rest. but in 5th period my tummy started hurting really bad and i thought i was going to puke or pass out or something. i just wanted to curl up somewhere and die. when that class ended i walked really slowly down the hall and then went into the bathroom for a while because i thought i was going to puke. i didnt and i started to feel better so i went to my next class. i was about 10 minutes late. the teacher didnt notice though.

this thing has gotten a lot less personal and more of me just stating random tidbits from my day or being very discreet about arguments with people. forget all that. i cried today. only for a few seconds but i still did. i was thinking about saying something to my dad about his drinking. ("when was the last time you went a whole day without any alcohol? you do realize this is destroying yourself and your family") but then i saw him and he had this look on his face. i dont know how to describe it. i just felt so bad for him. i just felt that this is all that life has to offer him. that glass of wine in his hand is all he has. that bottle of beer is his high point. its all he has to look forward to. i couldnt take that thought so i went downstairs and just started crying. i confuse myself whenever i cry, i dont like the way i feel.

posted by sarah 10:42 PM

May 19, 2002

"i dont wanna be your other half, i believe that one and one make two"

my weekend was fun. it wasnt a mind-blowingly exciting time, but it was good. i had a nice time in dc with katie on saturday, we went to angie's work and gave her flowers :-) later we were walking around in dc and heard music from a few blocks away. we decided to find its source since it might be a fun street festival. oh no, its not, its the dc 101 chili cook off. empty beer cups everywhere. you could barely see the street, it was covered in trash with the budweiser logo on it. and oh the stench. now this may not seem so bad to any of you in and of itself but you should know this. above the stage where the over-produced, hot topic, mtv-punk band was playing was a big banner saying "the national kidney foundation charity chili cook off. helping make lives better" a charity for kidney research sponsered by budweiser? its enough to turn someone to misanthropy. that was just disgusting, it pissed off me and katie and made us say "fuck" a lot. anycrap, i had a nice time. lately i've been having trouble paying attention to people. i get distracted by something and miss entire coversations, only to hear the last few words of it and say "huh? what?" i ask people questions and then forget to listen to the answer. i dont know why this is and it must be annoying to everyone. katie suggested that maybe i'm just sick of listening to people. the more i think about it, the more i agree with her. so i was thinking a lot this weekend and i really dont understand people. i dont know. goodnight.

posted by sarah 11:44 PM

May 15, 2002

it all begins with one broken dream

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY PAT ! ! !

god bless 39 cent cheeseburger day at mcdonalds. today was relatively uneventful. well, there were events but none were very interesting. they started handing out yearbooks today to those who had already ordered them. i waited in line for about half of my lunch. once i was close to the front an administrator told everyone to leave b/c lunch was over. :-( i'll have to wait until tomorrow to get my yearbook. last night i went to java head like so many other tuesday nights. i'm not even too crazy about java head but i just love seeing all the people that go there. i saw this girl there with a sticker on her guitar case that said "no one is free while others are being opressed" and she was wearing an abercrombie & fitch shirt. i wanted to kick her in the shin and ask her if she knew that abercrombie & fitch clothing is made in sweatshops. if you're going to advertise your beliefs at least follow through with what you're advertising. i dont know, that just pisses me off when people misrepresent themselves. "the greatest single cause of athiesm in the world today is christians, who acknowledge jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. that is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." so yeah, last night was fun. lots of great people were there. i had a nice conversation with angie. i havent known her for very long but i still feel that i can trust her. no moon last night but ozma set lists make up for it :-) anyway, to whoever is reading this: i hope tomorrow turns out far better than you expect.

song: redemption song - bob marley

posted by sarah 7:16 PM

May 13, 2002

it can be erased so easily

nothing seems as important the morning after. so here it is, i'm putting my shaker of salt away and letting the old wounds be. maybe we could shake hands and start fresh? sometimes at night you say some things that you dont mean, you just get caught up in trying to prove your point. if nothing else, remember this: no matter how shitty our friendship may be, i'm nothing without it. thats all i can say, i'm hoping things can be dealt with and we can all go back to having fun together.
i was looking through some of my spiral notebooks that i've been using this year for class notes and mostly doodles. i cant explain most of the stuff in there, stupid things seem funny when you're bored. here's some of the random things i've found written in there:

*you said your heart broke but i doubt it was ever beating because misunderstandings can cause shock but laughing is always better and if you think i'll take this sitting down then your mistakes are greater than your ego*
*wake up to an electronic beeping, for 8 more hours you'll wish you were sleeping*
*entreprenuers suck made balls*
*it disables the fish by taking its eye out*
*black unreflective eyes*
*eternity has you dreaming of death*
*walk like a dragon, yo*
*PAIN..... PAINT?*
*they'd laugh. think me crazy. call me. i'd have to explain. they'd think me crazy*
*caffeine and nyquil dont suffice and yeah he said it looks far away but believe me its better than walking the streets and do you know what it feels like to have nowhere to lay down the whole world is collapsing and the weight on your shoulders is unbearable but hey thats the way it is aboard this tiny ship you either go overboard or sink with it its all going down kids and then the rest will be humor your pain means nothing to those with no food and you think you're intelligent because you made a word for it and your digital watch tells you how many minutes you have left to live but you can always flip the channel b/c starvation isnt entertaining and do you think they'll recycle those papers? no. earth day is on the radio but it doesnt exist within these walls, for preservation and education are more important than who you are and what you know and success is your goal but stabbing your brother while shaking his hand might confuse him*

posted by sarah 6:41 PM

May 12, 2002

While the doll yields itself willingly to the strings, it lives contently.

The Heart - Stephen Crane

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, beastial
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter - bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And it is my heart."

i dont know what to do. so much drama going on. he hates her and she hates him and he hates him and she hates her and blah blah blah. so if one friend doesnt like another, what do i do? do i stand in the middle and try to make friendly conversation while the two of you stand with swords drawn? i'm sorry, but i can't do that. it's not my place to ask for peace, but what am i to do? i won't hate someone for your reasons. and all this other crap going on. before it was, things were happening at their own pace. now i'm forced to examine the situation and its like everything's already been planned out. and i dont know. everyone is just so overdramatic. YOU'RE 15, IS IT REALLY THAT SERIOUS?!?!?!?! you arent meant to be happy all the time. happiness is not necessarily a good thing. i feel like shit right now. and when you are happy, what then? i cant think right now.... the words arent coming together... i'm confused and being stupid and dramatic.... fuck this. fuck everything. fuck you. i'm trying to fight the battles that have already been won. look, here's the deal: i am a bad friend. the truth is i will not be there for you every second of the day. i won't drop everything in my life and coming running to your side. i'm not selfless. there's some days when i have to plug my ears because i cant listen to it anymore. i have to get away to keep my sanity. and yes its selfish. and yes i admit to that. i am a bad friend! and oh god that feels liberating! i'll be a friend the best i can, but thats all i can give you. i never promised that i'd be there for you, i never asked for this title. i love you. i cant imagine life without you. but for gods sake, lighten up. you've had a stick up your ass for far too long. you're 15, is it really that serious? no. its not. i'm sorry. i need a hug.

posted by sarah 11:19 PM

clever.

saturday was my dad's birthday. he turned 58. sunday (today) is mothers day and kevin's birthday (happy 18th yo!) i have a big bruise on my knee. i was in safeway earlier today and i didnt notice the broken bottle of pickles on the ground, i slipped on the pickle juice and fell! it was embarassing...... and painful. now i'm watching snl and feeling very bored. i've been on "restriction" all week. i'm so sick of my house. good thing i'm off restriction today. (my dad might object to this but screw that, my mom's home now and she wears the pants in this family!) well anycrap, this is dull. bye.

"music is religion. karaoke is a cult."

posted by sarah 12:42 AM

May 6, 2002

are you sad with happy days, or happy with sad days?

its been a good week so far. erin came over last night and helped me with my english project. but i miss the rest of my friends. i cant wait until i can see them all this weekend. but i dont even know if that will happen. saturday is my dad's birthday and sunday is mother's day and my sister is coming home for the weekend. let's hope i can manage getting out of the house sometime this weekend.

posted by sarah 4:58 PM

May 5, 2002

for all its worth, it wasnt worth it

i've been neglecting my blogger lately. oh well. i had a fun weekend i suppose. i had a really bad feeling all of saturday. i felt like something bad was going to happen that night. (nothing really did) so most of the day i felt really stressed and upset but i wasnt sure why. and then something random would happen and i'd just get really happy and give everyone hugs. i dont know. i didnt like how i was feeling that day. the drums were making me crazy. so me and katie took a walk. a dog barked. we ran. it wasnt chasing us. we were scared. fear and a reunion. it made me happy. people happy to see me, happy that i was alive. adrenaline rushing, it felt good.

posted by sarah 9:50 PM

May 2, 2002

fuck you and your little dog too

whoa, its been a long time since i've written in here. i've actually had a lot of things to write but no desire to write them. let us see... erin was mad at me. for reasons. i understand why she was. i dont know how much i should say in here. i hate overreacting. i hate misunderstandings. i hate fighting over petty things. i hate bringing other people into the fights. i hate this. i hate how i feel right now. i hate how i felt great a few days ago but now i feel like shit because i cant have the reason why i felt great. i hate what people will think when they read this. i hate this. i hate how much people screw things up. i hate when people throw my words back at me. especially when they werent even my words. i hate how i have to force myself not to feel. i hate how i still feel. i hate that there is no reason for me not to. i hate this situation. i want this day to be over. i want you to be gone.

posted by sarah 10:27 PM