The Burdens of Being Upright

Feb 28, 2002

hey, now the time and the archives work. i guess i have nothing more to complain about.

posted by sarah 10:13 PM

ok, now the time is right. but are the ahives working?

posted by sarah 3:56 PM

i hate you blogger. you wont post half my archives and i can never get the right time on here. right now it is 3:49 pm. not 12:36. i hope you rot and die.
posted by sarah 3:51 PM

Feb 27, 2002

i fixed it

just another face in the crowd. you walk the same as everyone. your words fall upon deaf ears. you'll never amount to anything. you think you're special? well, you're not. you'll rot just like everyone. they'll mourn for you today but tomorrow you'll be just another one. another teen suicide, a number, a statistic. another kid that couldnt cut it. mother earth will swallow you whole. and hide your body from the rest. the maggots will feast on your flesh. all your ideas are nothing now. your struggle was worthless, the end was inevitable.

song: backwater - meat puppets

posted by sarah 7:48 PM

Feb 26, 2002

blogger crisis: where did half my past posts go?

posted by sarah 10:22 PM

Feb 25, 2002

this heart of gold sure is weighing me down

sick. i cant even look at myself in the mirror. everything i've ever felt cant begin to compare to the way you must feel now. and to think its all my fault. i didnt push the button but i've been secretly hoping someone else would. selfish. i choose my happiness over yours. i cant look you in the eye. afraid to see you hurting. afraid to see my reflection smiling. evil. how could i wish this pain on anyone. i wanted you to burn for what you did to me. now i'm running to get some water. i lit the match and now i'm struggling to put the fire out.
posted by sarah 10:09 PM

poetic but empty

the boring, unhappy aspects of today were forgotton because of hope for the future. the future with the ones i love, the future without you. and no matter how cold i may feel inside i still can't deny the warmth of the sun on my face. it forces you to smile.

posted by sarah 3:40 PM

Feb 24, 2002

stupid internet, you go squish now

msn has been broken since friday. longest weekend ever!!!! no, it was fine. i reclaimed my life from the internet.... and then wasted it away watching tv. so i finally got off my butt and called the help line thing and found out how to fix the internet. i had to uninstall it and then reinstall it and then..... nevermind, this is boring.

posted by sarah 10:15 PM

Feb 20, 2002

this one's for you

not ready to give up another day, i stare at a computer screen hoping someone interesting will IM me. remember when i used to enjoy our conversations? remember when i used to enjoy you? something happens when people find "love", they forget about all their friends. i've seen it so many times. you find a boyfriend/girlfriend to cling to and leave me back here in the dust. everything between us is lost because now all you can talk about is your new love. a few weeks later you're dumped and sent spiraling back into the shit. only you're not alone, because i'm still here. i'm still here waiting with open arms to greet you. because i'm just that stupid. and when you say you'll never forget me again, i believe you. and then everything's great again and we're down here in the shit together, laughing, joking, talking, just like the good ol' days. but then you feel the need to spread your wings again. you just can't stay on the ground, you have to fly. and you take flight and soar into the distance, and like all the times before you're sucked into a jet engine. blood and feathers falling everywhere. and i'm down here picking up the pieces and glueing them back together so you can live again. i put every feather back in place until you're an even more beautiful bird than before. you say "thanks" and fly off into the distance again. for once i'd like to fly. but then who would be down here to pick you up when you fall? no, my place is not in the clouds. i stay here on earth so you can go wherever you please. i'm the door mat, and you're the muddy shoes. go ahead and walk all over me, thats what i'm here for. because at 3 am i'll still be here with a shoulder for you to cry on. i'll still be your crutch. i'll listen to everything you have to say. i'll mend the broken pieces until you're even more beautiful than before. i'll keep my mouth shut about what you're doing to me so you won't have another thing to deal with. i'll apologize for your wrongs. i'll tell you how beautiful you are. i'll drop everything and come running to wherever you are even if all you need is a hug. i'll love you. even if all i get is a thanks and the door slammed in my face as you go out on your way again, i'll still love you. after all, you deserve to live. and you've had to put up with so much. so much that you won't even tell me about. because you're the victim. you always are. and i'm supposed to feel sorry for you and cater to all your needs. it's killing me. i'm weak and my back hurts from having to carry you so many times. but i grin and bear it because those few moments that we spend together on earth, when you're happy, that's all i need. that's all i'm here for. because your smile lights up the whole room and i'm just so thankful to have a part in keeping you happy. nevermind the fact that when you decide to fly away, i'm left here on earth alone. i'm waking up because i have to. and staying awake until midnight, gripping onto the day, hoping that this won't be another wasted one. staring at the clock, counting the hours until i have to wake up and get through another day. put on a smile and listen to every word you have to say, keeping my mouth shut because i wouldnt want to bother you with how i feel. every step is a struggle, every breath is just a fight for life. i'm exausted.

posted by sarah 11:31 PM

every morning i wake up and wait for the next day to begin
maybe some day will greet me with a purpose
if i just get through these next 24 hours it'll all be ok

posted by sarah 6:53 PM

Feb 17, 2002

stab yourself in the leg

the path i thought that led to god was really the path to self-destruction. somewhere along the way i got caught up in trying to better myself and lost sight of the reason why. i had religion but i didnt have faith. i confused the two and thought they were the same. religion is not something i want. religion is excluding everyone that thinks differently. religion is a set of rules. i dont want your "holier than thou" attitude. i dont want to hear your conviction in something that you cannot prove. yes, this is a gamble. yes, i may be wrong. yes, i know all these things. but i cant look at this world and think that it was created by chance. my complex life is not a result of two planets colliding billions of years ago. in order to rebuild my life, i first must destroy it. which is hard. i think this is the beginning of coming to an understanding. and i have hope for the future.
posted by sarah 10:12 PM

Feb 15, 2002

goodbye cruel world

i'm going to virginia tonight. i'll be back sunday evening. so don't try to reach me b/c i'll be out having fun without you.

posted by sarah 3:41 PM

Feb 14, 2002

that was such a girl's reaction

i'm waiting for it to get warm. the sky is so blue today and the sun is shining so brightly. if it wasnt for this bitter wind, today would be perfect. i wish it was warm. the blue sky makes me want to lay down in the grass somewhere and nap as the sun blankets my face with warmth. i want to go to three springs. i love it there b/c its just so far away from the city. everything moves at a slower pace. up in the mountains where the world isnt hidden by concrete, where people walk without a destination, just to be out walking. all this is making me crave the serenity of mother nature... i'm going to go take a walk...

posted by sarah 3:38 PM

Feb 13, 2002

bands that i listen to a lot at the moment

bane
shai hulud
thursday
the nerve agents
dashboard confessional (shut up, its a guilty pleasure)
trial
belief in promises
drown under stars

posted by sarah 9:29 PM

Feb 12, 2002

stroke of genius

i have discovered the cure for the common cold.
death.
no life, no cold.
its that simple.

posted by sarah 5:40 PM

Feb 10, 2002

i kinda want to punch you in the face, your beautiful perfect face...

me and katie went over erin's around 7 last night. i got home about 26 hours later. here's some highlights from it all:

eww, who orders dominos? and even worse, mushroom pizza. sick.
me and katie are both wearing shai hulud shirts. whoa.
hehe, erin's desktop is a map of the metro stops.
yelling for some reason.
i push erin and storm out.
erin slaps katie, katie storms out.
katie and i walk around lanham at night and talk about everything.
we cant find erin.
we found her! she was in the backyard
heartfelt discussion, erin cries.
"this is jacob. this is jacob's booty. this is me slapping jacob's booty... real hard."
twister is a great movie.
brent calls a lot.
sarah doesnt fall asleep until 6 am. (damn tempting pepsi!)
"it is not my foot that is up your ass, but your ass that is up my foot!"
lowes is a fun place.
doorbells are fun.
me and katie put erin's new furniture together.
i go home and get online.
and write this.

song:

posted by sarah 10:20 PM

Feb 9, 2002

the straw that broke the camel's back
(what does that mean?)

hey, remember how i havent cried since the summer? yeah well thats over. and thank god, i feel a lot better now.
it wasnt even that huge of a thing that happened. see, me and katie were gonna go to a show last night. and we were planning on going but we needed a ride from the metro station to the kid's house. so, yay, i found us a ride. and i called her a million times on her home phone and her cell phone. but no one answered. (later i found out she was at the store) then i remembered that i had to feed kristin's cats b/c she was out of town. so i figured i better do it now b/c of going to the show and all. she only lives 2 streets down, so i wasnt gone more than 20 minutes. when i get home i see katie's name on the caller id. i call her and her dad answers.
"hi, is katie there?"
"no, she already went out"
"oh. do you know where she went?"
"i think she said something about a play"
"oh. ok. bye"
that really hurt. she ditched me. when i got off the phone i believe my exact words were "bitch!". and yeah, that was a jerkass thing to do katie. (grr!) but i'm not incredibly pissed about it. she thought we weren't gonna find a ride or something and she tried to call. (in her words) but still, i feel completely unimportant at this point. because i wanted to hang out with her even if we didnt go to the show. so this betrayal hits me like a ton of bricks and i cant help but burst into tears. so i'm laying on my bed in my dark room sobbing like a 2-year old whose mom won't buy him candy at the grocery store. i'm not just weeping. i'm all-out sobbing, shaking like a dog shitting razor blades. not just because of tonight. the last 6 months catch up with me. everything that i've been keeping inside, comes out through tears. and it's horrible. and it's wonderful. and now i'm feeling so refreshed. i'm not pissed at katie. i'm still hurt by it though. and i still think that was a jerkass thing to do. but i forgive her for it b/c she didnt do it on purpose. and because i can't help but forgive her for it. i cant be mad at people for more than 5 minutes. i just end up feeling like the dick.

song: a hole in the world - thursday

posted by sarah 5:52 PM

Feb 7, 2002

friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard

>>>and now we can take a moment to share what's on our minds... i love a place where they actually want to know what you're thinking and how you are. now let's see, i could either give a little surface answer about how i am. or i could straight out read what i just wrote in that little marble composition book. well, take a deep breath and just let it all out. so i read my little phrases. and let them know how my faith is non-existant and how i don't know if there is a god and how i'm confused and how i don't believe anything we were just talking about. i finish pouring out my soul and there's a small moment of silence where i keep my head bowed down, afraid to see the looks on their faces. and then, surprisingly, i'm greeted with compassion. of course i'm still shaking for the next ten minutes, but i feel better. no one said "you'll get through this and then become closer to god" no one looked down on me. no one pointed to a verse. instead i got a big hug. one of those hugs where i just didn't want to let go. and now i'm at peace and i've stopped shaking.

>>>it's 5th period. english class. i'm sitting at my desk listening to my friend kyle present his book report. its on The Catcher In The Rye. what a great book. and then my eyes start burning. and one single tear rolls down my cheek. why am i weeping? i dont know and to tell you the truth i dont care. its been so long since i've cried and i miss it like anything. b/c now i cant cry, i cant let it out, i have to keep it inside. i wish it hadnt ended with one tear, i wish i would have just broken down sobbing in the middle of class. i guess i'll just have to settle for one tear.

posted by sarah 10:27 PM

Feb 6, 2002

let me type something clever here so everyone will know i'm not depressed and i enjoy my life

what are the doctors who give abortions called? abortionists? i wonder if thats what they wanted to be when they were kids. i can imagine a little 4th grader coming into class with a doctor's coat and a dead baby in his hand on career day. sick. what do they do with all the dead babies? (oh, was that not politically correct? i mean, the aborted fetuses) they probably have a big pile of them around back. hehe, is it wrong that i'm laughing?

posted by sarah 3:38 PM

Feb 5, 2002

death whispers words of defeat in my ear

the days. drifting in and out of conciousness... i'm sorry, did you say something?... pen and paper. cryptic phrases. peculiar drawings. songs playing in my head... pray for peace, lust for war... stare at my masterpiece of doodles. creativity born from boredom... envious of those who think in complete phrases. who feel standard emotions... alone but not lonely. conversations about nothing. topics aren't important, just the people...

song: i want love - elton john

posted by sarah 3:57 PM

Feb 3, 2002

go home

naive. setting yourself up for a fall. climb the highest mountain. leave me down in this valley. stay up there for days. fling yourself off the cliff. don't worry i'll catch you, i always have before. hit the ground. hear me laughing. i won't catch you anymore.

song: understanding in a car crash - thursday

posted by sarah 10:53 PM

Feb 1, 2002

you're the malignant tumor and i'm the innocent organ

some girls dress up every day for school. you can tell they spent an hour on their hair and picked out their outfit the night before. what do i do? well, i'm glad you asked... i wear green pj pants, a white t shirt (when am i not wearing a white t shirt?) and i take my shoes off in every class because its all about comfort for me. but oh yes, back to the cryptic ramblings that make no sense to anyone but me and even i'm not so sure...

listen to headphones. focus only on the drums. try to tune out the rest of the music. listen to the drums. amazing. you're no longer listening to music. you become the music. it swallows you... bi-polar. i can't decide what i feel anymore. thousands of voices screaming. no choice but to listen to them all, or tune them all out. the part of me that's still alive can see beauty in whats new. oppurtunity in a being. potential for happiness. potential for a fall. am i too late? you're so beautiful and hideous. i can't look at you without wanting to hug you and kill you. disgusting how i feel. disgusting how i choose my happiness over yours. disgusting how i won't settle for what i want. perfection is right in front of me screaming sonnets on my front lawn. but i'm still chasing after someone i'll never have and don't even want to have anyway. so used to the chase. can't just sit still. it's sickening. the madness lurks behind every corner. i try to stand up tall. hard to do when you swing at my knees with baseball bats. fall down and crawl. stare at the sky through a roof. dig through the pavement and find what used to be there. the mirror lies. that isnt me.
posted by sarah 11:13 PM