The Burdens of Being Upright

Jan 10, 2002

why do i even bother

there's still a part of me thats clinging to the familiar things. to a place, a people, a lifestyle that i've always known. i went to youth group today. it's not really youth group this month though, it's like a planning period or something and we discuss youth group... i felt so out of place. when everyone else prayed i sat looking at my feet still wondering if there was anyone listening to their prayers up there. thats what i do these days.... wonder. i get a familiar, safe, comforting feeling at cedar ridge. whether or not i believe in god or whether or not i am a christian, i like the people. it's a very positive place. i dont know if i want to give that up. i dont know about anything these days. they started the night with a song. i remember how i used to love singing those songs. i remember when i could believe something whole-heartedly with no proof. i dont miss it though. i also remember being afraid. i remember stopping myself from thinking things because they would not be pleasing to god. i remember trying to live up to impossible standards in a book. i remember forgetting about myself and devoting myself to others needs. i'd be selfish if i took a minute to help myself. i dont want it. i dont know anything about god and heaven and hell, i'll never know the truth until i die. maybe not even then. so i dont care. I DONT CARE. fuck it all. i'm sick of thinking about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i will never find a truth or an answer. so i just want to live and forget about it all. i just want to feel alright again (if i ever even felt alright before) when people ask how i am i want to be able to say that i'm good and for that to be the truth.
i never want to hear about september 11th again. ignorance! they preach ideas of unity on the news and then i change the channel and see jay-z and nas arguing through song about who's more "real" or fake or shit i dont care! thats not fucking unity. you can shove that american flag up your ass! i want to burn every flag of every country, overthrow every govt., burn down all the buildings in the world, all the money, everything and see how many people can survive. thats unity, one world. no countries. chaos. see how self-sufficient and proud you are when everything's gone and you have to scrounge for food and shelter. see how much you need other people of all races, religions, beliefs, class, whatever. see how pathetic you really are. see how much your money comes in handy when you shift through the rubble of this world and try to survive with just what nature has given you. i'm tearing down your world. it has to be stopped. they're installing security cameras on the street corners in dc. george orwell was almost right, he just thought we'd have come to this 18 years ago. i want to destroy. i want to breathe fire. i want to cry. and none of you take me seriously. i dont even take myself seriously. me, angry? i never hated because i couldnt! well now i'm free to say that i dont love this fucking world! and now i'm free to hate and to complain and to bitch. but i cant. look at how much it hurts you to hear the truth from me. i dont hate you, i love you. i love everything, i hate everything, i dont know! this is too fucking complicated and i choose not to think about it. forget letting it out, i'm going to surpress it. it's not healthy, i dont care. i dont like being angry! i look at myself and at my words and think how silly they are and i try to talk some sense into myself. i'm a pacifist. i want the world to be at peace. the only thing that comforts me these days is when one of my friends tells me they can relate. because then i'm not alone. right now i'm alone. and i'm scared to death of it.

song: suggestions ~ system of a down
posted by sarah 10:59 PM