The Burdens of Being Upright

Jan 31, 2002

when lovesick teenagers try to grow up too quickly and end up getting hurt by the one they put their trust in and then wake up and just have to smile at the perfection in grey pants

something i wrote last night: "A sudden realization of how much i miss you. flesh torn apart to reveal a wounded heart. i'm only fooling myself when i say i'm over you. if i say it enough will it become truth?... looking up at your beautiful searching eyes. tell me i'm beautiful again... bury my head in your chest and suddenly i'm not alone. sweet things from so far away. god i miss it... i cant help but lie awake and think of you. it kills me to know that you're thinking of her."

something from today: i see this guy on the way to my bus after school every day. i've never met him before but just seeing him makes me smile. he has this beautiful thick dark hair, i'd die happily if i could run my fingers through his hair just once. and today he was wearing grey pants... *sigh*... one of these days i'll be brave enough to smile or say hello..... god damn, i'm pathetic
posted by sarah 5:25 PM

Jan 30, 2002

i accidently deleted one of my posts, i really liked it too so i'm going to try to remember how it went...

misery loves company. and pain loves understanding.
...like when the milk's gone sour and you tell your mom to smell it. you know it smells bad but you ask her to smell it anyway. you want her to know what you're talking about when you say "this stinks."
...like when you fall off your bike. you sit on the ground, clutching your skinned knees, crying. and your friend gets off her bike and comes down to the ground with you to help you up. she doesn't ask how you are from above. she gets down with you so she can help you back up.
...like when you have a cut on your finger. it was only bleeding for a few seconds and is now fine. but still you get a band-aid for your wound. because then it's covered with a blanket of gauze. and you look at your finger and don't see the pain, but the healing.
...like when you feel like shit and all you want it a hug. because when i'm in your arms, i'm safe from everything else. because i can bury my head in your shoulder and hide the hurt in my eyes from the world. because i'm not strong enough to stand on my own. and you're willing to be my crutch and let me lean on you. because then it's not my pain, or your pain, but our pain.
posted by sarah 9:54 PM

Jan 29, 2002

is it summer yet?

what a lovely day... (weatherly speaking) on all other notes, today was a little crappy. my english teacher showed us all the grades that will be on our report cards for 2nd quarter. sarah, who didnt get a progress report grade in english, assumes her grade is ok. she's thinking she got a C. much to her surprise, the teacher points to her name on the paper, moves her pencil over to sarah's grade and its not a C..... it's an F! wtf! i didnt even know they had F's, i thought E was the lowest. well, apparently not. i've never gotten less than a C on a report card. so i feel bad like burning. i get a sick feeling in my stomach, thinking of how the hell i'm going to explain this to my parents. my plan is, tell me mom (she's understanding) and just avoid my dad until he forgets about reports cards. which i usually do regardless of my grades. so.... i'm not going to stress too much about it b/c "my worth is not determined by my grades". haha. i'll jsut start um, turning in my work instead of being a lazy ass.

song: hard to explain - the strokes
posted by sarah 4:40 PM

Jan 27, 2002

posted by sarah 11:22 PM

EZ. 2. B. Anti -H2O

i thought this was suppose to be about open minds and unity
not alienation, separation, or who is more pc
you people pointing fingers, judging others need to realize
to each their own, get off your soapbox thrown
who are you to criticize?
and it's so easy to be anti, close your mind up tight
and you walk around the world
thinking everything you know is right
it's so easy just to protest and so hard to fucking give
no one person has the answers, there's no one way to live
nobody's better than no one else, straight edge or what you eat
stand up for what you think is right, you don't have to be elite
think of all you're missing when you're on that narrow road
do you really believe or is it just what you have been told
chorus
stand up for what you think is right, but who are you to criticize?
your narrow mind has left you in a moral state of imaginary grace
your cause has lost its taste
and now you're gone
just like that you're gone and you're never coming back
chorus

song: i think its pretty obvious

posted by sarah 1:33 PM

Jan 26, 2002

dreaming the whole night through

i've been having a lot of dreams lately. (i had 3 last night) they're all pretty weird and make no sense, but i'll share them anyway...

dream 1: i was at my computer listening to thursday (the band) and i was like "man, i like thursday" and i was downloading thursday and talking to people about thursday. then someone walked over to me and i said "i like thursday" and they said "who?" and i said "thursday, the band" and they said "thursday? they're called tuesday!" and i said "oooooooooh" and felt like a dork.

dream 2: i was in the car with russell and his mom for some reason and we were driving through lanham. and there were two highways and a forest inbetween the highways. and russell pointed to the forest and said "i live in there" and i said "no you dont, you live in bowie" and so he pulled into a little dirt road to go into the forest and the whole city of bowie was inside the forest. and we pulled into his driveway and he said "i told you so".

dream 3: me and my brother were walking down the street and we started to turn around and we saw a wild boar. and eric said "aww, its so cute" and i said "oh no! those things eat people!" and the boar started chasing us. so we were running away from it and i kept turning around and hitting it but it kept chasing us. then i turned around to hit it again and it bit my hand! so we kept running and we made it back to our house. and i said "mom! mom! the wild boar bit me!" and she said "oh."

dream 4: erin had a car for some reason. and me, katie, and erin were skipping school together. we were in the parking lot of target in bowie. i was reading that little pamphlet that i got last night at the show at electric maid. then i noticed that leif, russell, and some other guy had parked in the space across from us. so we all went into radioshack (there really is no radioshack at that shopping center) and i was walking around radioshack looking at stuff. and then i saw my 6th period teacher! and he said "sarah, aren't you in my 6th pd. class?" and i said "yes" and walked away. and then i went and found everybody and told them what had happened. so we all ran out to erin's car. and we were getting in when erin started freaking out and saying that her tire was on fire. and she started digging through the trunk, trying to get to the tire. and i said "erin, your tire's not on fire" and she said "you're right." and me, erin, katie, leif, and russell drove away in erin's car. then i said "hey, you guys left your car back there... and your friend!" and leif and russell started laughing, but i didn't understand the joke.

dream 5: i was in my basement watching Requiem for a dream. when the movie was over, i was going to watch another movie. but then the devil (yes, the devil) walked in and said "it's my turn to use the tv" so i said "ok" and let him watch the tv. it didnt seem to bother me that satan, the prince of darkness, was in my basement watching my tv. i took a marker and wrote "www.devil.blogspot.com" on the door that leads to my bathroom, from the tv room. then i went into my bathroom. once i was in my bathroom, i started freaking out b/c the devil was in the next room. and i started praying. but then i thought, "wait, who am i praying to? i dont like god" and i realized that i use god as protection from satan or something. then i took the marker and wrote "www.jesus.blogspot.com" on the other side of the same door. then i took a shower.

the first 2 of those dreams are from thursday night and the last 3 are from last night. i dont think there are any hidden meanings in those. i think they're just weird.
posted by sarah 1:55 PM

thursday? it's tuesday!

...you can't believe one side because they go there with the mentality that this is bad. and the other side has the mentality that this is good. each side will look for things that support their ideas and ignore everything that contradicts them. what you need is an unbiased opinion. a fact; an unbiased opinion...

...when your mother gave birth to you, she looked at you and felt the strongest bond she had ever felt. at that moment, she knew that out of all the people in this world there were none that she could possibly love as much as you. the immense feeling that she had part in creating something so beautiful, it's all gone now. because now you want to be independent and hang out with your friends and she tries to protect you. and as you scream "i hate you" and slam the door, her whole life shatters. you won't understand this until you yourself become a mother...

song: understanding in a car crash - thursday
posted by sarah 12:19 AM

Jan 23, 2002

high five.... ow, my eye!

i fell asleep in 4th pd. i dont know how long i was asleep for, maybe 15 minutes? it wasnt one of those half asleep things, i was knocked out. i woke up and it felt like i had been sleeping for hours, i expected to look up and find myself in my bed. i got confused when i looked up and found myself in typing class. in 5th pd. extension i looked at my watch and saw that it was 11:45. if today was a weekend, i would still have been asleep for another hour or so. the end.

song: but i might die tonight - the nerve agents
posted by sarah 3:33 PM

Jan 22, 2002

instead of reading about my life, go out and live one for yourself.

posted by sarah 7:39 PM

Jan 21, 2002

melting snow and nowhere to go

its monday and i'm home. what a nice break. let me recap my weekend for you all:

friday night - i went over katie's house. erin was there too. katie taught me how to play a song on bass so now i'm a rock star. we ordered chinese food and me and erin walked to the place to pick it up. (note: only try to cross 450 if you're suicidal) um, we ate the yummy chinese food and did some other stuff. i think we watched tv. erin read her book most of the time. she was obviously wanting some solitude which is cool but is annoying when you're wanting to hang out with your friends. um, i went home that night

saturday/sunday - i woke up and when i went upstairs was surprised to see my backyard covered in snow. i didnt do much for a couple hours, just spent a lot of time online. um, katie was at erin's house and they were both online. i was feeling depressed or something and so i was being a dick. erin was trying to cheer me up which is sweet but i was feeling bitchy so my responses were "whore" and "die". then katie told me to shut up and it made me happy for some reason. then i went over erin's house. it was such a pretty night b/c everything was covered in snow and the sky was peach. so we walked around lanham taking pictures of all the pretty things. lanham's a pretty scary place at night, especially when people run down the roads wearing like a trash bag or something. and when you walk through a really old graveyard and past some beautifully old houses. but yeah, it was cool and i cant wait to get my film developed to see how the pictures turned out. (note: chucks with holes in them do not work well in snow.) um, me and linda (erin's mom) watched some of Grease and then watched this hilarious home video of erin when she was i dunno... 6? haha, she was dancing around. it was great. then i made erin and katie watch Singing in the Rain. thats a great movie, i thinked they liked it. i dont think that they have the same appreciation for old movies as i do. hm, i'll change that.... um, i fell asleep to monty python's the meaning of life. katie woke us both up at like 9:30 and i was sad b/c thats early. (i'm putting in too many unimportant details) ok, we went to brent's house around 3. we were gonna take the bus to college park but the bus was being late so we just went back to brent's... we watched a french movie called "hate". i only saw the first half, it seemed cool. but it sucked that it was in subtitles. linda picked us up at 6. i went home then went to church to help feed the homeless.

monday (today) - i went to target and bought stuff. chap stick, shampoo, band aids, film... nothing exciting. but i did buy a black hoodie. (oh joy!) it's a zip up one which is meh, ok. i miss my black hoodie.... i wish i knew what happened to it. when i got home, the ups man came and had a package for me. my bane shirt!!! yay, its so pretty. lindsay got home from new york so i went to pay her a visit. we both cant wait until summer so we can get a tan. i look like i have cancer or something, i'm so pale. their hot tub came today. which is awesome, me and lindsay are gonna forget about our after-school walks and just go in the hot tub instead.

well, that was my weekend. nothing mind-blowing happened but it was fun. i'm looking forward to the 4-day weekend coming up. let's hope it's fun.

song: last night - the strokes (the strokes..... mmm..... so good)

posted by sarah 4:49 PM

Jan 18, 2002

whore.

i write the best when i'm depressed. when i'm content, my posts seem a little dull.

"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery. And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

~Brave New World
posted by sarah 3:50 PM

Jan 17, 2002

"Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them."
posted by sarah 9:29 PM

Jan 16, 2002

madonna knows her shit

we are living in a material world and i am a material girl.

i needed new shoes. a pair i liked (red and gray pumas) were on sale in eastbay. my mommy ordered them for me. :-)
i wanted some shirts. i ordered a shai hulud shirt and a bane shirt today. i'm anxiously awaiting their arrival...
my goals for this weekend: hang out with pals in dc, go to thrift store and buy cheap clothes, go to target and get more white shirts and wife beaters, be spontanious (as long as it fits in with the agenda) 8^)

song: at your funeral ~ saves the day
posted by sarah 9:34 PM

Jan 15, 2002

waiting for tomorrow

i've been chasing after something for so long and i lost sight of what it was a long time ago. i suddenly realize that whatever it was i was chasing after, it's not worth it. so i stopped and just sat down on a bench to rest for awhile. all that running has brought me into unfamilar territory and i need a minute to look around and figure out where i am. now that i'm aware of my surroundings i head down a different road, this time at a slower pace. i'm walking down this new path so i can have time to take a look around and enjoy the scenery. this time i wont get caught chasing after butterflies that dont exist.
posted by sarah 10:14 PM

unsatisfied, but not unhappy

today was a continuation of my appreciation of everything. i spent the day basking in life's little pleasures. it was such a sweet, fragile day. i didn't want to move too quickly or speak too loudly for fear of shattering this beautiful world. i'm very happy but there's still a part of me that wants something more. this insatiable feeling still lingers, but i'm not exactly sure what it's craving...

just 2 weeks ago i was so depressed and angry with everything. and it seemed that all my friends were somewhat happy. now that i'm ok, everyone else seems to be falling apart at the seams. actually, this is great timing. you did everything you could to help me when i was down, and now i can return the favor. to my recently-heartbroken friend; do you want to borrow my creep tape? it helps.

song: undone ~ weezer

posted by sarah 3:22 PM

Jan 14, 2002

what's so unsettling about a 12-year old genius?

A refreshing sight,
obscured light.
Trees swirled,
in this lonely part of the world.
... With all the wonders innocent and pure, ideas seem
endless and secure.
Just me and nature and dreams galore,
are only permitted through this door.

~Greg Smith

i'm sitting in front of my school around noon. today was one of those days where my body felt like shit and all i wanted to do was lie down. but there is nowhere to lie down at school. so i call my mom, complaining of a stomach ache and she comes to pick me up. i'm sitting on a cold steel bench in front of my school, leaning against a cold brick wall. i watch the cars drive by and cant help but wonder who's in them and where they're going and where they've been. i can't help but wonder how many people have sat in the same spot and who they were and what they were thinking. it's one of those days that my mom would think is beautiful but i wouldnt think much of. the sky is a pale blue, the wind is bitterly cold, the trees are bare, and the grass is dying. all i can do is sit in awe of this world and of life itself. and my mind wanders to my friends and i wonder what they're doing and if they're thinking of me or if they ever do. a few students walk by on the way back from lunch. they all look like they're running late. but thats how everything is these days, everyone's in a hurry. sometimes you need to just stop. just stop and enjoy the world. i sit with my back against the brick wall and wonder who built it. and wonder who made the coat i am wearing. and wonder how much longer i'll be able to just sit and appreciate life. one day i'll be gone. they'll hide my body in the ground and i'll be forgotten. maybe someone will find my belongings and wonder about me. but i'll be gone, and all i want is to leave something behind. so a part of me is still here. so i'm not forgotten.
posted by sarah 2:34 PM

Jan 13, 2002

nostalgia can make a person smile

i'm so used to being depressed. i dont even know what happiness looks like anymore. trying to express what i feel is like trying to scream with your mouth taped shut.

looking through old pictures still makes me smile. a picture of me and lindsay sitting in a raggedy old chair that was taken in 1990 is right next to a picture of us from this summer. the nostalgia could make you cry.

and right now all is well. and everything is in its place. and life is sweet. and i'm happy.

posted by sarah 12:40 AM

Jan 11, 2002

weightless

a thousand apologies to erin and katie for bitching at you last night. i was angry. why was i angry? 14 years of supression and denial. :-)
i take my life way too seriously, we all do. we're all a bunch of whiny cynical brats with impossible standards and expectations. we all want to feel special and wanted. then the truth hits you like a punch in the face, you are not special. you are not going to live happily ever after. take a look around. see this world, this is it for you. this is the blank canvas that you are given, paint it how you will.
today started like all other days. it was cold and rainy and made me feel like shit. i was annoyed with lindsay for the skin she puts on at school because i know she's so much more. i purposely walked a few feet in front of her on the way to my locker in the morning. while i was at my locker she complained that her new boots had gotten wet or some other trivial thing about her outfit. i nodded along and pretended to be interested while in my head i thought of calling her out for what she is and imagined the hurt look on her face as i screamed of what she's become. *sigh* and i used to be so nice. i love lindsay, she is the greatest person, just not at school. i want the whole world to see how beautiful she really is, i wish she wouldnt hide it. so i go to 1st period feeling slightly annoyed and i brace myself for another day... after 1st period i'm walking to my locker. i see a lone bubble floating in the hallway above the heads of all the kids. (someone must have been blowing bubbles earlier) a thousand memories of summer days spent with lindsay blowing bubbles, jumping through sprinklers, riding bikes... i couldnt help but stop and watch the little bubble's flight. my little bubble was sent this way and that while the kids rushed by, unaware of the beauty that was taking place above their heads. as the number of kids began to dwindle, the bubble slowly floated towards the ground. i couldnt help but reach out my hand to try and save it from its own demise. of course the bubble popped. some things just arent meant to be held.
posted by sarah 3:47 PM

Jan 10, 2002

why do i even bother

there's still a part of me thats clinging to the familiar things. to a place, a people, a lifestyle that i've always known. i went to youth group today. it's not really youth group this month though, it's like a planning period or something and we discuss youth group... i felt so out of place. when everyone else prayed i sat looking at my feet still wondering if there was anyone listening to their prayers up there. thats what i do these days.... wonder. i get a familiar, safe, comforting feeling at cedar ridge. whether or not i believe in god or whether or not i am a christian, i like the people. it's a very positive place. i dont know if i want to give that up. i dont know about anything these days. they started the night with a song. i remember how i used to love singing those songs. i remember when i could believe something whole-heartedly with no proof. i dont miss it though. i also remember being afraid. i remember stopping myself from thinking things because they would not be pleasing to god. i remember trying to live up to impossible standards in a book. i remember forgetting about myself and devoting myself to others needs. i'd be selfish if i took a minute to help myself. i dont want it. i dont know anything about god and heaven and hell, i'll never know the truth until i die. maybe not even then. so i dont care. I DONT CARE. fuck it all. i'm sick of thinking about it. i'm sick of talking about it. i will never find a truth or an answer. so i just want to live and forget about it all. i just want to feel alright again (if i ever even felt alright before) when people ask how i am i want to be able to say that i'm good and for that to be the truth.
i never want to hear about september 11th again. ignorance! they preach ideas of unity on the news and then i change the channel and see jay-z and nas arguing through song about who's more "real" or fake or shit i dont care! thats not fucking unity. you can shove that american flag up your ass! i want to burn every flag of every country, overthrow every govt., burn down all the buildings in the world, all the money, everything and see how many people can survive. thats unity, one world. no countries. chaos. see how self-sufficient and proud you are when everything's gone and you have to scrounge for food and shelter. see how much you need other people of all races, religions, beliefs, class, whatever. see how pathetic you really are. see how much your money comes in handy when you shift through the rubble of this world and try to survive with just what nature has given you. i'm tearing down your world. it has to be stopped. they're installing security cameras on the street corners in dc. george orwell was almost right, he just thought we'd have come to this 18 years ago. i want to destroy. i want to breathe fire. i want to cry. and none of you take me seriously. i dont even take myself seriously. me, angry? i never hated because i couldnt! well now i'm free to say that i dont love this fucking world! and now i'm free to hate and to complain and to bitch. but i cant. look at how much it hurts you to hear the truth from me. i dont hate you, i love you. i love everything, i hate everything, i dont know! this is too fucking complicated and i choose not to think about it. forget letting it out, i'm going to surpress it. it's not healthy, i dont care. i dont like being angry! i look at myself and at my words and think how silly they are and i try to talk some sense into myself. i'm a pacifist. i want the world to be at peace. the only thing that comforts me these days is when one of my friends tells me they can relate. because then i'm not alone. right now i'm alone. and i'm scared to death of it.

song: suggestions ~ system of a down
posted by sarah 10:59 PM

embarrassed like burning

today at lunch i inadvertently did something that was very rude and embarrassing. first you should know that my school is all about the candy fund raisers, the only way our school gets money is by having some of the kids push M&M's and snickers on the rest of the kids. well, this person that was standing about 4 seats down from me at lunch was selling M&M's. i wanted some M&M's so i tried to get his attention. i said "hey boy" and he turned around only to reveal that no, "he" was not a boy, he was a girl. ahh! i felt like a big pile of shit. i immediately apologized but it didnt even seem to bother this girl. of course two of her friends were laughing their asses off which made me feel even worse. it was an honest mistake, i only saw her from behind and with her short hair in cornrows and her sweatpants and shit, she looked like a guy. eh well, i cant excuse myself, that was embarrassing.
posted by sarah 3:27 PM

Jan 9, 2002

when good hair goes bad

meaningless: lindsay dyed my hair today and i dyed hers. i was expecting a nice dark red but it turns out to be a reddish copper. it's nice but not what i wanted. we tried to dye hers lighter but you can't even tell we did anything to it. meh. my day today was craptacular. (no, it was fine) some of my friends at school think that i'm this crazy insomniac that never gets any sleep because i doze off in class a lot. but i actually got to bed at a reasonable time last night (before midnight). i wasn't even tired today but if i'm just sitting there doing nothing it always makes me sleepy. so in typing class i fell asleep b/c for the last 20 minutes of class we were doing nothing. literally. i used my nice scarf as a pillow and when the bell rang it woke me up. i walked upstairs to 5th pd. extension where my friend tells me about the lines going across half of my face. the scarf left an impression. it was pretty funny to me in my just-awoken state. and oh no, the people in the hallway saw me with lines on my face. *gasp* how embarrassing... (not really) in my 2nd period class (spanish) the heater is broken and blows out cold air so it's always freezing in there. my teacher decided that we'd have hot cocoa and donuts on friday in order to deal with it. which is fine by me. my job is to bring in some donuts. i wrote it on my wrist so i wont forget. (this entry is getting a little pointless...) good news, i finally decided what i'm doing for my science fair project. i'm gonna see what types of salts and shit melt ice fastest. (brilliant, eh?) it's due on monday so my weekend is going to be me melting ice. (fun.) let's see, what other interesting details about my day can i share... oh yes. i was on the computer earlier and my brother had made a list of songs that he was gonna download and it was sitting next to me. my dad walks in and reads one of the songs off of the list (key lime pie ~ AFI) "A - F - I ? what does that stand for?" "it stands for a fire inside, dad" "a fire inside, eh? is that what they need the key lime pie for? to put put out the fire? ha ha ha" that was just too cheesy. i hope i never tell jokes like that to my kids. i think the meaningless part of this post has gone on far enough...

serious: erin's going through a hard time right now what with leah being sick. i want to be there for her but i have no clue what to say to her. i don't have any comforting, reassuring words that i can tell her to dry her tears. all i can do is listen. and i cant help feel that its not enough and that i'm failing her as a friend. erin helped me get through all the shit that i was stressing about a few weeks ago and i just want to be able to do the same for her. i love you erin. i've gotten stronger, if you need to lean on me, go ahead, i wont fall over anymore.
all this talk of death lately has got me thinking. (uh oh) i don't know what happens after you die, if anything. and when i do stop and think about it all, it does terrify me. i could die at anytime but living each day as though it were my last would get tiresome. i'm not thinking about death, there's no point. i'm going to die. shit. sooner, later, whatever. what really terrifies me is that my last few seconds could be filled with thoughts of regret. i don't want to regret anything or think "if only..." i want to live.

posted by sarah 7:23 PM

Jan 8, 2002

pink M&M's!

something happened last night and the part of the page where it has the archives and the quote was gone. but i fixed it. i'm so proud of myself.
let's see... today was a good day. last night i was feeling very depressed for no reason at all so i called katie at 11 or something. i'm not sure exactly what i said to her. i think i talked about snood a lot or something. it's kind of a blur now. but anyway, she made me feel not so depressed and edgy. i woke up feeling a lot better (tired but happy). today is the calm after the storm. i feel fine. in 3rd period i was eating a bag of M&M's and discovered that they have pink ones now! that made my whole day great. i would elaborate more on how i'm feeling but i'm not in the mood to share. i think i'll keep things to myself for a little while. my little secrets are the only thing i can call my own.

song: a sack of meat that has no sense to die ~ belief in promises :-)
posted by sarah 3:45 PM

Jan 7, 2002

octyl methoxycinnamate 7.5%

love for all my friends. i give it out in spades. until there's none left for me to call my own. so then i'm alone. and now all that's left is hate. but i cant hate. with hate comes guilt. with guilt comes depression. and once again i'm all alone. i used to limit how i thought. god would not approve. fuck god. fuck everything. fuck you. all that hate that has been surpressed is beginning to surface. i'm free to hate. free. liberated. unrestrained. but why would i hate? there is no reason. i need a reason to hate. a reason to kill. destroy. i'm all out of love. i won't let myself hate. so what is there? nothing. there's nothing. no more love for any of you. i have but one shard left. i'm keeping it for myself. i'm selfish. i need this. i hate everyone. but there are some people i hate less.

posted by sarah 10:13 PM

and i would give you a hug but my chest is still sore from when you ripped out my heart

it seems that everyone is searching for love. relax. let it find you.

song: madam butterfly ~ the nerve agents

posted by sarah 7:59 PM

Jan 6, 2002

laughing. crying. screaming.

every night i die and every morning i am born again. i wake up and pick up the words that i threw around the night before. my room is a mess. my life is a mess. i like it that way. i'm sitting here, eating peanutbutter-chocolate chip cookies and trying to decide what i'm feeling. i'm either depressed or content. the battle has yet to be won so i'll give everyone a view of both.

my mom woke me up at about 1. i was tired and wanted to sleep longer. but i knew if i didnt go upstairs she would keep coming in to wake me up every few minutes. i got out of bed and tripped over one of my shoes and fell flat on my face. that hurt. i went upstairs and ate some food and then got online for awhile. actually, i cant really remember what i did today. it's all become blurred into every other day. what a waste. today has been this grey, cold, rainy day. i was hoping for snow but i'm not surprised we got this awful sleet or whatever it is. the sky is shitting on my once beautiful world. i'm alone and miserable. someone pass me a gun.

on the other hand...

instead of sleeping my day away i actually woke up a few hours earlier than i would have. i tripped over a shoe in the morning but it motivated me to straighten up my room a little. i had a nice day of pretty much doing nothing. which is nice since the next 5 days will be me getting no sleep and having to do a lot of work which i'd rather not do. i had hoped for snow but i guess this freezing rain is fine. the wetness combined with the cold will ensure a 2-hour delay tomorrow which is great. i like sleeping in. the end of a weekend is the beginning of a new week. tomorrow could be great. since we'll most likely have school i'll be able to get out of the house and see friends and i won't have to wake up early. yeah, today was nice. i'm happy.

both paragraphs are true. today was the worst/best day of my life.

song: porphyria ~ AFI
posted by sarah 9:32 PM

smile away the depression, cry away the joy

sometimes my posts are just a recount of what i did that day. sometimes they are a testimony to what i'm feeling. it's cool to write little haunting mysterious posts when i'm feeling down or up or whatever. it makes me feel like an artist. but sadly *sigh* i am not an artist. and i doubt many people read my posts and think "wow, her thoughts are so beautiful" instead they probably think "reading about her pathetic life depresses me". well, if you think that, then die, i'm quite happy with my life right now. or at least i tell myself i am. there's 2 sides to me. i'm constantly arguing with my other half. one of my sides will win the fight and will paint itself across my face, pushing the other side deep inside so no one can see what it's feeling. i'm always conflicted. if i'm smiling and telling you i'm happy, then i am happy, but not fully. thats just the side of me i choose to display. and if i seem sad, dont think that i'm truely depressed and discontent with everything. a part of me is still smiling. i can't express how i really feel. there's no word for it. to be so completely depressed and alone while feeling overjoyed and content with everything and at the same time wanting to kill everything; you just can't describe that with one word or show it with one expression. everyday is the worst/best day of my life.

song: butterfly ~ weezer
posted by sarah 2:50 AM

Jan 5, 2002

tell me a story i can believe

today has been so strange, but in a good way. i was surprised to get an email from lauren telling me how she's here for me and how she regrets that we've been drifting apart. and i got a similar note from erin j. asking how i am and offering comfort if i ever need it. and caitlin and erin r. have both said that they're happy for me as long as i'm happy. wow. i am so lucky for the friends i have. to think, just a few days ago i felt so incredibly alone. now i have so many people offering a shoulder to cry on, i don't know what to do with myself. i'm just so happy right now. i feel so free. i cant believe it took losing my religion to make me feel that life was worth it. i know a few of you think that this is just me going through hard times and i'll eventually get over it and my faith will be stronger than before... blah blah blah..... please take into consideration the fact that you may not be right. i'm not asking you to question your own beliefs but don't assume that just because i don't think as you do that i've "strayed". i'm not a lost sheep. the idea of a god, an afterlife, i believe its all a lie. disagree all you want but please respect what i've decided. the funny thing is that now i'm acting more like a "christian" than i did before. the fact that i'm free to do anything now makes things less tempting. if its not "forbidden" then i find myself wanting it less and less. i used to feel obligated to love everyone but now i can hate whoever i want. and i found that, i dont really hate anyone. in fact, i have more love for people now. i dont know if anyone really understands what i'm saying but, meh, it's my blogger.

song: struck down by me ~ bane

posted by sarah 2:02 AM

Jan 4, 2002

your blood screams red

i hardly ever remember my dreams. and when i do they usually don't even make sense or they're just not important. but last night i had a really incredible dream. it was terribly beautiful...

i was sitting alone in a mountain valley. everything was in black and white with a sort of greenish tint. the sky looked as though it were storming, the clouds were dark and lightening bounced around above. it was silent except for the roar of thunder. there were all these flowers growing in the field that had beautiful red petals. there i sat in the middle of the field, plucking the petals off the flowers, whispering "he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not..." everytime i would get to the last petal i would say "he loves me not" so i'd move onto the the next flower... it seemed to go on forever. then i came to the last flower in the field "he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me" i was so happy when i found that the last petal ended with "he loves me". i stood up, clutching the petal in my hand, smiling. then i looked around at the field. dead flower stems lying everywhere in a sea of red petals. it looked like a battlefield. i stared at the last petal and said "look at all the destruction i caused looking for you"

posted by sarah 4:12 PM

Jan 3, 2002

show me something worth seeing

i couldn't sleep last night. i think it was about 4:30 am when i finally fell asleep. for the most part i gazed up at the little glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and thought about everything that i've been thinking about the past few days. i felt so incredibly free. my thoughts on religion right now are this; i dont care. god could exist and be my only chance at heaven or it could all be a lie. i dont care either way. you tell me that god loves me and cares for me. you tell me that i'll get through this and that god will bring me joy and love. i've always been a christian, always. i dont feel loved. i'm depressed. even in a room of friends i still feel more alone than ever. and praying to the sky isnt getting me anywhere. i just dont care anymore. i dont want salvation if this is what it does to me. i want to live and be happy. i feel like when i have god in my life, i'm trapped. but now that i'm sort of not abandoning but exploring new options, i feel very free. i'm happy. for the first time in a long time, i'm happy. i know it breaks the hearts of some of my christian friends to hear me questioning the exitstence of god but please, try to be supportive. i don't need a sermon, i need a friend.

today was all in all, a great day. nothing was really special about it. it was just simple little things that made me feel happy. lets see... in 3rd period jeff and matt were both drawing on this piece of paper. matt drew a sphere that was perfetly shaded (i am so jealous of his talent) and jeff drew a rose that was so detailed it could make you cry. i drew a stick figure. we all decided that my picture was definetly best :-) that was so simple but it made my day better. on the way to 4th period i saw leif in the hallway. "nice shoes" i say because i noticed his new shoes. leif writes "10 cent whore" on my hand. (a very leif thing to do) we both kinda laugh and i head to typing class. in 5th period extension i talk to catherine for a while. she tells me about how she saw david (the object of her affection) last night and how he was wearing grey pants. see, me and catherine have a thing for grey pants. they just look really good on guys. to any guys reading this; if you want the girls, get the grey pants :-) lunch was fun. (inside joke of the day: tap the glutius maximus!) lunch wouldnt be lunch without bryce running his leg up and down mine under the table. haha, he's a fun kid. after lunch, me and catherine were walking back to english class. we were on the stairs and the fire alarm went off. catherine freaked b/c it startled her and i started laughing. so we went outside and ran into amber. we stood their shivering for a few minutes until it was time to go back in. in english we were about to read great expectations (kill me now, i hate this book) our teacher was like, raise your hand if you would rather read this silently instead of as a group. i raised my hand. then she said "ok, those people can go read silently in the hall for the rest of the class" what? that was odd. so me, ashley, and kyle sat on the stairs talking and goofing off for awhile. i threw the book down the stairwell a few times to express my disgust for it. umm... next is 6th period. i go in and we have some group assignment to summarize some articles in the washington post. the teacher left for most of the class, i dont know why. so i basically sat there eating a lollipop talking to thomas and barry for awhile. then... i went home. i got bored in my house after about 2 minutes so i went next door to see what lindsay was doing. we talked about random things and kinda just napped on her bed for awhile. so, that was pretty much my day. it's not really mind-blowing but i'm happy. i'm learning to be content with what i have.

song: i'll stop the world and melt with you ~ stretch armstrong
posted by sarah 5:31 PM

Jan 2, 2002

still tired after my hibernation

i'm still tired after all that sleep. i might go to bed soon but eh, i don't feel like it right now. let's see... i'm a little confused about what i believe right now. i talked to steve a little about and he helped me gain some perspective. (thanks babe) but i still don't know. right now i'm thinking fuck religion, fuck god, fuck it all. i can't believe something blindly anymore. i can't put limits on my life because a book says it's the right thing to do. i'm beginning to question whether or not there even is a god or an afterlife. i think that when you die your spirit doesn't live on, it just dies. like when you sleep. so thats why i should live my life happily. because this is all i have.

posted by sarah 8:59 PM

confused

after i wrote that last post i took some nyquil and went to sleep again. i just got up now. it's 2:52 pm. my mom came in my room a couple times and tried to get me up but i'm so tired so i didn't go to school today. nyquil only lasts for 6 hours so i know that's not why i'm so tired. i have a really bad head ache and i want to go back to sleep but my mom wanted me to get up so i did. you know what really pisses me off? she hinted that i might have "got into things i shouldnt have" at erin's house. she thinks i'm stupid enough to drink. no, thats dad's thing. i don't drink or do drugs, i never have. it pisses me off that you don't trust me.
posted by sarah 2:56 PM

sleep is for the weak

last night was new years so i didnt really sleep much. i fell asleep around noon i think and then woke up around 2:30 pm? then i went home and took some nyquil b/c i'm sick and fell asleep around 4:30 pm. i thought i would wake up in a few hours but i was more tired than i thought. i woke up and looked at the clock and it was 12:30 am. so this blows because i have to get up for school in about 5 hours and i'm not tried anymore. i think i'll take some nyquil and pass out or something.
posted by sarah 12:44 AM

Jan 1, 2002

about last night...

sorry if i've been acting a little strange lately. i'm under a lot of stress right now and i have some problems that i'm dealing with. it seems to be effecting me a little too much. i think i had a nervous breakdown or something last night. i just had a lot of things on my mind and it was kinda hard to think in complete phrases. so if i confused anyone then i'm sorry. hopefully i'll begin acting normal soon.
posted by sarah 2:29 AM