Dec 18, 2001
There was an internal error
after 3rd period i see erin waiting for me. she's in the temporary next to mine so she always waits for me. it's nice. but we dont really have much to talk about now. she says "hi" i say "hi" there's a moment of silence and then i go through the metal doors back into the school and walk upstairs for 4th period. we're still friends, still close, but we seem to have nothing to talk about now. today she says to me, "sarah, remember a few weeks ago when you said you were in a great mood and it was like nothing could bring you down? what happened?"
wow.
what did happen? i shrug my shoulders and say "i'm moody, it only lasts a few days. i'm happy today, but tomorrow i'll most-likely be sad" i dont see her reaction, i've already gone inside.
i wish i could find happiness, true joy, not this temporary feeling that goes away as quickly as it comes.
today i realized how easily replaced i am. it seems i can be discarded. i'm a disposable friend. come to me when you need someone to cry to. ignore me every other time.
i'm not your fucking coat rack.
sometimes i look at you and see how beautiful you are, how you've always meant the world to me. but other times i look at you, fixing your hair and putting on more make up. you're empty. i see how you're changing, turning into something that i know you're not. go on, put on another layer of eye shadow, the more you put on the uglier you become to me. go on, flirt with another boy, treat it like a game, every day you become more shallow. i'm used to it. you hide your beauty from the world, only to be revealed on thursdays. oh god, how i cherish thursdays. of course i'll always love you. i tried hating you. i ended up hating myself.
this is sixth grade all over again.
i'm not sad, i'm not happy, i'm not angry. i dont know what i'm feeling. maybe disappointment? yes, i'm disappointed. i'm disappointed with my life. i'm disappointed that i see some people every day and some people once a year. i'm disappointed i dont have a life, i have a routine.
the same thing every damn day.
why am i listening to dashboard confessionals?
posted by sarah 9:07 PM
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"there is within me, and with sadness i have watched it in others, a knot of cruelty borne by the stream of love."
Past
current
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