Dec 31, 2001
i think. forgive me. i want. go back. time. turn back. i need. hug. comfort. understand. confused. you're confused. try. what. you'll say. you'll ask, i'll have to explain. i can't explain. i'll feel. akward. dork. he. he pretends. pretends he's different. want to kill him. want to love him. want love. comfort. understanding. music. friends. god. no. lyrics. empty. no meaning. doesnt work. god. god? last resort. scared. inferno. hell. morning. shed new light. god. god. god. god. god. god. god. god. jesus. sacrafice. love. comfort. unserstanding. no. no comfort in a book. no understanding in a cross. scared. smite. hell. heaven. reward. boring. unknown. not enough. insatiable. you'll say. what. you'll be confused. ask me why. what the hell. try to preach. tell me i'm wrong. confuse the words. words. they are just. nothing. understand. please. comfort. hug. him. new. variety. new. he's new. he could understand. free. want. tied down. restrained. want to tell her. she doesnt trust me. loves me too much. worries. let me be free. mistakes. sin. temptation. god hates temptation. it tears us apart. god. god hates me. you'll say no. he's love. point to a verse. words. nothing. human. need actions. proof. creator. shit. i am. no explanation. dont care. go back. get away. free. go to bed. shit. footsteps. bitch. go away. die. hate. you wont understand. please. pain. longing. aching. scared. go to bed. nyquil. an escape. an end. temporary. wake up. confused. she new light. ashamed. have to call. explain. wont be able. you'll think less. you'll laugh. i'll die. broken. longing. aching. crying. biting. crying. cant. i'm dry. tears of comfort. i'm alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. want him. not sure who he is yet. last resort. in the back of my mind. always there. consuming. he'd be scared. he's naive. shallow. of this world. run away. find something more. cant. trapped. cant. cant. cant. cant. please. help. you cant. you wont understand. journal. write. cant. hide it. they might find it. what would they think. wouldnt understand. laugh. ridicule. me. ashamed. embarrassed. stupid. have to explain. what would they think. dont care. die. die. die. die. die. cant die. wont. live. live. actually live. enjoy. live. live. live. live. free. love. satisfied. cant. dream. help. comfort. understanding. truth. its a lie. forget truth. comfort. understanding. god. forget. cant. naive. dont believe. preach. you'll preach. pray for me. you'll think me wrong. blinded. sin. sin. sin. sin. sin. tempted. snake. satan. hate. satan. bad. god. bad. scared. smite. my life. understand. please. i want. i need. please. comfort. words. not enough. wont express. art. wont express. get it out. demons. crazy. free. comform. please. comfort. hug. dont let go. please. understand. try. please. understand. find him. he's there. must be. movies. books. songs. reality. shit. reality. not enough. restrained. cant. i cant. have to be good. sin. miserable. they say god. pray. salvation. joy. shit. salvation. nothing. miserable. alone. alone. alone. alone. life. no worries. religion. restrained. scared. watch over me. angles. they'll leave. have to stay. have to love him. obey him. for protection. from what. from him. god. you'll think me evil. you'll pray for me. you'll show me a verse. you wont understand. you'll make it a joke. laugh. i'll break. no understanding. express it. mock me. i'll cry. please. tears of comfort. no tears. dry. empty. alone. scared. alone. alone. alone. he'll think. what will they think, cant hold it in. let it out. demons. crazy. you'll think me crazy. new year. same problems. restrained. cant. want. help. please. understand. please. comfort. understanding. comfort. understand. understand. understand. understand. i'll have to explain. you'll call. wake me up. confused. want to know. i'll try. cant explain. no understanding. alone. stop the thoughts. an end. please. i'll look back. naive. laugh. understand. understand. please. you wont. i know. i'm not. i am. cant cry. feel. love. no. sleep. an end. temporary. not good enough. substance. lucky. free. want. jealous. why not me. blue sky. want. god. again. in my life. confused. obey him. love him. he'll protect me. respect. scared. satan. god. choose. either or. third choice. neither. they're the same. searching for him. find me. comfort. find me. understand. please.
posted by sarah 3:00 AM
disregard me, i don't know what i'm talking about
i just read all my past entries. i'm shit. i dont like you, i like what you say. i like the attention. i'm a jerk. i'm just so damned emotional right now. everything seems to spark a feeling for me. something tiny will happen and i'll be overjoyed, depressed, enraged, etc.
i keep getting these urges to do random things. the other day i was in the car with my mom at an intersection and i had the urge to jump out of the car and just start walking down 450. the road looked so tempting. i was cutting a piece of bread the other day and i had the urge to stab the knife through something.. someone. one day in 5th period i glanced out the window and saw how blue the sky was that day. all i could think about was taking a nice walk and enjoying the day. it really pissed me off that i couldnt do that. all i wanted was to be outside but no, i had to sit there and read fucking great expectations instead. i dont give a fuck about charles dickens. i dont like this book. i'll gladly read things that are interesting. i'm not going to force myself to read it either just so i can pass a test. fuck tests. why am i always being tested? it seems i'm always forced to prove myself. i have nothing to prove to you, any of you. teachers, parents, friends, fuck you all. here's another random urge, right now i feel like saying fuck a lot. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
fuck - 1. to have sexual intercourse with 2. to take advantage of, betray or cheat; victimize 3. used as a signal of angry dismissal
what a nice word.
i'm sick of being emotional. sick of being a flake. sick of being sketchy. i'm sick of you. from now on i'm a skeptic. i view the world from the outside, as though i'm not a part of it. i'll observe people's actions, observe their emotions. but i won't join them in this life, in this game. they cant fuck (definition 2) me anymore. that's it. happiness, anger, sadness, loneliness, i wont expirience them anymore. i'm no longer in search of love, i'm in search of truth. and right now the truth is that love is an illusion. it's true, i've never seen a relationship that worked. you can say i'm giving up. that just because i havent seen it doesnt mean it cant happen. but, meh, i'm not denying that there's hope. i'm just saying that... what am i saying? fuck, (definition 3) i dont know.
song: say it aint so ~ weezer
posted by sarah 1:50 AM
on a completely unrelated topic...
i'm getting sick of this. i don't like this whole flirting thing. its not getting us anywhere. its just getting annoying. and i dont like the whole "i love you. i miss you. i want you." crap one day and the next day you're like "eh, you're ok. lets be pals." stop being sketchy. everytime i get over you, you come out of nowhere and say such sweet things that make me fall head-over-heels for you. you dont realize how easily you could have me. (i know that makes me sound bad.) i'm not desperate for you or anything but you could simply say "i miss you" and i'd be yours forever. i guess that makes me the sketchy one. i fall for you when you pay attention to me and forget about you when you forget about me.
"it's like the sun shines on you and it's glorious. and then he forgets you and its very cold."
songs: creep ~ radiohead
again i go unnoticed ~ dashboard confessional (please send me anything but signals that are mixed...)
posted by sarah 12:44 AM
Dec 30, 2001
i'm going to kill you and rape you. you pick the order.
me, erin, and katie went to brent's place today. we watched natural born killers. good movie. me and brent are gonna go on a killing spree together so we can be famous and someone will make a movie out of us. um, erin and katie played twisted metal for a while. i cant really remember what else we did. when we got there this guy chris was there then he left. then a guy named mike came then left then came back. and this guy named matt and some other guy, i dont remember his name, came and then left after a few minutes. yeah, that was exciting...
i dont think i'm doing anything tomorrow for new years or what not. i might go over erins but eh, i want to actually do something. i need to get a car... and a liscence... then i'll actually have something to do. if anyone's reading this and wants to come to bowie and pick me up then please do. i'm up for anything.
song: prison song ~ system of a down
posted by sarah 7:14 PM
Dec 29, 2001
i don't belong here
yesterday i was bored and alone. katie had the flu or something, erin was out shopping, and lindsay's in florida. i decided to call erin's cell and complain to her about my discontent with being trapped in my house all day with no one to keep me company. luckily erin was on her way back from greenbelt or something so her and diana came and picked me up. we went to kohls, wal mart, mcdonalds, then back to erin's. we went to mcdonalds b/c erin and diana wanted those fruit and yogurt parfait things. this is the jist of what the brilliant mcdonalds employees were saying to eachother:
"you know how to make a fruit and yogurt parfait?"
"man, i dunno how to make one"
"well i dunno how to make one"
"just look at the picture! a layer of fruit, yogurt, granola, more yogurt."
after about 10 minutes they gave us the fruit and yogurt parfaits. those were the sorriest looking things i have ever seen. the layers were all messed up. not that it matters, you're just gonna mix it up anyway. but i still found it funny that it was complicated for someone to make one.
when we got to erin's i played pac man quest on erin's playstation for awhile. then i realized that all i had eaten that day was a bowl of rice krispies so i raided erin's fridge. she had some left-over chinese food. mmm.... that was good. um, yadda yadda... we ended up staying up until 4 am talking. it was nice, i got a lot of things of my chest. then erin fell asleep but i wasnt tired from those 3 pepsi's i drank so i stayed up playing pac man quest again. that game is too fun. i wish erin would get a memory card though, everytime i died i had to start all over again. i guess the game had me in a trance b/c the next time i looked at the clock it was 8:30 am. i decided it was about time i go to sleep. so i did... zzzz.... the next thing i know it's 10:30 and erin's waking me up. wow, 2 whole hours of sleep. her and her dad gave me a ride home and i had the intention of going back to sleep but for some reason i couldnt so i took a shower instead. then.... yadda yadda.... my dad and sister were yelling at eachother b/c my sister thought my dad made the soup wrong or something. it sounded pretty pathetic and the yelling was stressing me out so i went to giant with my mom... i got home, msn was being a dick and not working. everyone was getting all hot and bothered about it. i fixed it b/c everyone else is useless and cant do it themselves. my parents were arguing earlier b/c my mom bought french bread instead of italian bread and my dad got mad or something. i was sitting on the computer playing snood and this is the jist of what i heard:
"i'm tired of your shit!"
"maybe we should just get a separation!"
"yeah, and i'd get the house!"
"like hell you would!"
"just give me the chance, i'll call my lawyer and get the papers ready!"
too bad those are just empty threats. this whole staying together for the kids thing is doing more harm than good. we all know your plans of separating once i finish high school. thats shit. i wish you two would just split up right now. i love you both, but not when you're together. you dont get along, ever. and i'm sick of breaking up your petty fights and having to hear you bitch about your marraige to me. dad, i dont want to hear all the shit you say about mom. mom, i dont want to hear all the shit you say about dad. all this yelling really stresses me out, you have no idea. whats even worse is seeing how you've both given up. you dont live anymore. you're just waiting to die. this is your life! this is the only chance you're gonna get! i want you to be happy. i wish life had more to offer you two. god i hope i dont end up like you.
song: say it aint so ~ weezer
posted by sarah 9:18 PM
Dec 28, 2001
: - )
i feel happy.
new years eve is in 4 days. i need plans. lets see... last year me and megan saw jimmies chicken shack and good charlotte at the 9:30 club on new years. that was fun. (i'm sorry about your pole!) um, the year before that was the whole y2k thing, and i went to erin jone's house. then... i had a party at my house the 2 years before that. and thats all i can remember... those new years memories are pretty lame. i need to do something memorable this year. someone give me something to do. anyways...
i feel happy. yeah, i do.
"you must first learn to love yourself before you can love others." i'm working on that. i'm getting to a place where i'm accepting myself. it's really a hard thing to do. so until i'm able to be completely happy by myself, i'm going to forget about relationships. then one day (hopefully soon) i'll start thinking about relationships again.
i need a new years resolution. one that i'll actually keep. i cant remember what any of my past ones were. wait, yeah i can. in sixth grade my resolution was to only use one-syllable words for the whole year. yeah, that only lasted a few minutes... i cant remember any of my other ones. hmm... i have a few days to think of one. if anyone has any ideas, tell me.
uh oh, it's 12:02. that means its the 28th. i only have 3 days now. this sucks ass. i'm bored. i think i'll go to sleep, there's nothing else to do.
song: strength through wounding ~ AFI
posted by sarah 12:04 AM
Dec 27, 2001
at long last
finally blogger is working again! i was going crazy with nowhere to write down all my thoughts. what a time for it not to work, when my family was home. damn hackers! well, alex flew home yesterday and julia went home too. but julia's coming back tonight with her boyfriend or something. yeah so we had to clean all day. i really hate when people wake me up at 10:30 in the morning, especially when i didnt go to sleep until 3 am. so i cleaned most of the day. then i fell asleep on the couch for about 2 hours. then i cleaned some more. then made cookies. then wasted my life online. so it was basically the same as any other day.
i found a new form of therapy (dont be jealous blogger). magnetic poetry! it's great. i got some for christmas from alex. i like moving the words around to form new phrases. i find myself doing it in my head sometimes. here's a few phrases i made:
"we must manipulate their beauty
i could use my knife and watch you cry
your blood screams red"
"the light will shine through, it has to"
"i want you, i need you, please leave"
"eternity has you, dream of death."
yeah, those are my nice little phrases. i suggest you all get a box of magnetic poetry, its great.
song: sugar ~ system of a down
posted by sarah 7:34 PM
Dec 24, 2001
hey hey hey!
i guess there are pro's and con's to having your family home. after church, we all watched fat albert's christmas special and then each opened one gift (tradition) yeah, it was kinda nice i guess.
song: the christmas song ~ weezer
posted by sarah 10:07 PM
nothing says christmas like a gun to the head
the whole family is here.
all 6 of us.
kill me.
or better yet,
kill them.
all morning it's just been yelling. everyone fighting about the same things they did last year. and to think i actually missed it. now i remember why i used to long for the day they'd be gone. AHH! i'm going crazy. i let you walk all over me to avoid confrontation. you know what? the next time you bitch at me you're getting a knife to the face.
song: undone ~ weezer
posted by sarah 4:13 PM
Dec 23, 2001
home for the holidays
alex and julia both came home yesterday. it's cool having the house filled with noise and people again. i could do without all the arguing but hey, it's family. i really can't imagine a family get-together that didn't involve everyone yelling and making fun of eachother. it's hell, i love it.
christmas eve is an hour away and i still havent finished my christmas shopping. i'm such a procrastinator. someone do my christmas shopping for me. it's so messed up though. i don't have a job so i don't have money so my mom gives me money (ain't she sweet) so when i buy a christmas present for my mom it's really her buying one for herself. confused?
screw it, for christmas everyone is getting a list of things i hate about them. that's your christmas present, a reality check.
song: 99 red balloons ~ 7 seconds
posted by sarah 11:16 PM
Dec 22, 2001
Creep ~ Radiohead
when you were here before
couldn't look you in the eye
you're just like an angel
your skin makes me cry
you float like a feather
in a beautiful world
and I wish I was special
you're so fucking special
but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
what the hell am I doing here?
i don't belong here
i don't care if it hurts
i want to have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice
when I'm not around
you're so fucking special
i wish I was special
but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
what the hell am I doing here?
i don't belong here
she's running out again
she's running out
she's run run run running out
whatever makes you happy
whatever you want
you're so fucking special
i wish I was special
but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
what the hell am I doing here?
i don't belong here
i don't belong here
posted by sarah 1:51 PM
Dec 21, 2001
such pretty lights
in the car on the way home my parents were talking about christmas lights, this seemingly innocent conversation developed into an argument (as does all things with my parents). here's the jist of it:
"colored lights look tacky...... well, i dont see you going up any ladders...... i work all day...... so do i..... blah blah blah..... you're lazy...... blah blah...." (this is where i come in)
"why are you arguing over christmas lights!?! there are much more important things in life!"
"well, your mother started it...... blah blah..... your father's the one who.... blah blah"
"stop! both of you! this topic is over!"
the rest of the ride home was silent. i'm sick of having to break up your trivial fights. i'm not your parents, it's the other way around. so both of you, shut up. to quote Bambi, "if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all"
song: at your funeral ~ saves the day (what can i say, i love this song)
posted by sarah 8:28 PM
Dec 19, 2001
erin's still in the hospital :-( poor erin, having your tonsils taken out must hurt like a whore. i'm sending all my love to erin, feel better.
today erin (different one) gave me my christmas present. it was barbie flash cards. i was kinda confused at first but then i read the card and it said "i remember last year we went christmas shopping and you bought a barbie book, i saw these and thought of you" or something along those lines. i felt special. i love erin.
me and my mom went and bought a christmas tree today. it's behind me. we didnt have time to decorate it yet so it's naked (oh my!) it smells good.... like a christmas tree.
i had a good day today. it was nice. i'm not going to school on friday b/c whats the point? its the last day before christmas break and there's a pep rally that day. so me and my mom are going christmas shopping instead. i know, i havent finished christmas shopping yet. talk about leaving everything until the last minute.
alex is coming home on saturday. julia is coming home christmas eve. everyone will be home. it's gonna be hell, but i love it anyway. i miss having the house full of people, even if we didnt get along and most of our communication was through fighting. i'd choose yelling over silence any day.
i'm a little tired. so this is over
posted by sarah 9:39 PM
Dec 18, 2001
There was an internal error
after 3rd period i see erin waiting for me. she's in the temporary next to mine so she always waits for me. it's nice. but we dont really have much to talk about now. she says "hi" i say "hi" there's a moment of silence and then i go through the metal doors back into the school and walk upstairs for 4th period. we're still friends, still close, but we seem to have nothing to talk about now. today she says to me, "sarah, remember a few weeks ago when you said you were in a great mood and it was like nothing could bring you down? what happened?"
wow.
what did happen? i shrug my shoulders and say "i'm moody, it only lasts a few days. i'm happy today, but tomorrow i'll most-likely be sad" i dont see her reaction, i've already gone inside.
i wish i could find happiness, true joy, not this temporary feeling that goes away as quickly as it comes.
today i realized how easily replaced i am. it seems i can be discarded. i'm a disposable friend. come to me when you need someone to cry to. ignore me every other time.
i'm not your fucking coat rack.
sometimes i look at you and see how beautiful you are, how you've always meant the world to me. but other times i look at you, fixing your hair and putting on more make up. you're empty. i see how you're changing, turning into something that i know you're not. go on, put on another layer of eye shadow, the more you put on the uglier you become to me. go on, flirt with another boy, treat it like a game, every day you become more shallow. i'm used to it. you hide your beauty from the world, only to be revealed on thursdays. oh god, how i cherish thursdays. of course i'll always love you. i tried hating you. i ended up hating myself.
this is sixth grade all over again.
i'm not sad, i'm not happy, i'm not angry. i dont know what i'm feeling. maybe disappointment? yes, i'm disappointed. i'm disappointed with my life. i'm disappointed that i see some people every day and some people once a year. i'm disappointed i dont have a life, i have a routine.
the same thing every damn day.
why am i listening to dashboard confessionals?
posted by sarah 9:07 PM
Bowie; the new chicago
today would have been so much better had it not been so windy. i just don't like these grey days. other then the weather, it was an ok day. during 4th period, my teacher had me take a movie back to the library for her and there were a lot of complications so i spent the whole period walking back and forth between the library and my typing class. it was cool to get out of class but it sucks that i had to go up and down the stairs so much. it made me tired. yeah, i go up and down stairs a lot. there's 20 steps between every floor, me and catherine counted (yeah, we're dorks) so i do a lot of stair climbing every day. ok, this isnt important. i'm going to eat dinner.
song: melt with you ~ stretch armstrong (best cover of it i've ever heard)
posted by sarah 6:01 PM
Dec 16, 2001
mmm... cookies
i went over katie's today. we iced cookies and just sat around. it was great. erin came over a little later and we gave russell, leif, and mark each a cookie b/c they dropped her off. so me, erin, and katie did nothing for a while. it was great. then i went to youth group and we wrote a personal ad. i wrote: "i am pathetic, depressed, and alone. please call me. all genders and species welcome." haha, it was fun. then we played indoor soccer. apparently i suck at sports. and nobody seemed to like my singing country songs. psh, losers. so now i'm home and i feel very...... happy. yeah, i'm in a good mood.
song: at your funeral ~ saves the day (if you dont love this song there's something wrong with you)
posted by sarah 9:47 PM
Dec 15, 2001
Entering normalcy
i am a 14 year old girl. why am i in such a rush to grow up? life is short enough as it is. i need to learn to just sit and enjoy it. there's going to come a time when i'm older when i'll sit and wish that i was 14 again. and now when i am 14, i wish that i was older. that's crap. i am 14. i am happy.
forget all my other posts where i complain about my life and act depressed. when i'm bored i get lonely, when i'm lonely i get depressed, when i'm depressed i complain about it on my blogger. i'm not depressed, i am at times but it always fades by morning. generally, i'm happy.
i think i'm getting carpul-tunnel syndrom (i know i misspelled that). maybe typing class wasnt such a good idea. an hour of typing every day plus all the time i spend online... it's not good. my fingers are in pain, my wrists ache. it's not good.
i dont care anymore about relationships. i'd so much rather have a friendship. i'm really very lucky for the friendships i have. i don't tell people i love them enough. to all my friends: i love you.
i feel so very unbroken. i've been mended. i feel... wise. every day i look back on my thoughts from the day before and i laugh and think of how naive i was. could it be that i thought this way only a day ago? i feel wiser than the day before. but at the same time i feel ashamed that i was ever so dumb. embarrassed of myself. i look in the mirror and i dont like what i see. my skin is pale. i have bags under my eyes. i'm a mess. i look so tired and...... well, broken. even when i feel alive, i look dead.
bottom line: i'm independent, i'm loved, i'm alive, i'm happy.
posted by sarah 11:30 PM
Dec 14, 2001
Broken
erin reminds me so much of how i used to be. she's such a great person, i love her. i'm worried for her though. i know the road she's on, i've been down it. it doesnt end happily. i wish i could save her from all that shit. i see my friends hurting and my heart breaks for them. i cant stand all this unnecessary pain and anger and hurting. i want to be away from it. sometimes i long to not feel anything. to be emotionless seems like a dream.
i'm broken.
no matter what it seems that i always end up depressed by evening. this is crap. i want this day to be over. tomorrow could be better.
"the scene" is annoying me. i went in search of a place where you were accepted for who you are and not what you wear and who you're friends with and what you listen to. i thought i had found it. but it turns out to be shit. just like everything else, a huge dissapointment. it's just another extension of high school, it has the cliques, gossip, rumors, back-biting, all that shit. honestly i cant tell which is worse anymore.
fuck it.
song: the moon is down ~ further seems forever
posted by sarah 9:01 PM
My legs are tired from pacing
today was a good day i guess. my plans for tonight got cancelled and that bites but eh, it's still a good day. i've been thinking a lot lately about people and when i think i usually pace the floor. my legs are tired from pacing, my head is tired from thinking. i'm a little confused about someone. i hate the fact that you didnt call. i hate the fact that you ignore me. i think you're purposely trying to confuse me. well it's working. i don't know what to think anymore... tomorrow morning i'm going christmas shopping and then we're going over someone's house for a little christmas-type party. i dont know whether or not i'm going to the show in takoma park, i need to talk to katie.
song: The christmas song ~ weezer
posted by sarah 8:41 PM
Dec 13, 2001
joy in an unexpected place
i just got home from youth group. it was kinda fun. i had a good time. the ride home was too great. me and lindsay sitting in the car with her mom listening to Stairway to heaven and eating mcdonalds ice cream. i made a face in my ice cream and laughed b/c thats what me and eric used to do. yeah, it was nice. i'm happy.
song: no music, just the thoughts in my head
posted by sarah 10:24 PM
happiness is here again
well, the title just about sums my day up. today was an ordinary day but i was in one of those "content with what i have" moods. and so i was in a much better mood than last night. i was really tired this morning though. in my 1st period (science) we were reading off of this ditto and the words seemed to blur and overlap eachother. that was a little weird. i had even gone to bed an hour earlier but i guess 7 hours of sleep still isnt enough. i'm really sick of being tired all the time and having permanent bags under my eyes so i'm trying to get more sleep and i gave up soda (again) i havent had any caffeine since monday. i'm getting some major head aches from it though. yeah well, there's not a whole lot more to say so i'm out. bye.
song: malleus malificarum ~ AFI (my favorite song by them)
posted by sarah 4:29 PM
Dec 12, 2001
I'm pathetic
go ahead, ignore me, my heart won't stop beating over you.
song: place in the sun ~ bane
posted by sarah 9:24 PM
zzzzzzzz...
I read somewhere that it is recommended you get 8 - 10 hours of sleep a night. yeah, i get 6 at the most. usually 4 or 5. is that a bad thing? its actually quite easy to function on 4-6 hours of sleep. i'm such a victim of routine, i can easily go through a day of school with my eyes closed. i'm not really awake anyway, well, it looks like i am. i can walk to my classes, do my work, even carry on conversations with people while still half-asleep. although my plan isnt flawless. quite a few times i've found myself wandering around the hallways and i have to stop and think of what the hell i'm doing and what class i should be walking to. and lets face it, i'm not exactly an A student anymore. and 5th period, i have to struggle to keep my eyes open. if it wasnt for my daily diet coke that i buy after 6th period, i swear i'd fall asleep on the bus. so thats how i'm surviving right now, 5 hours of sleep and 20 oz. of caffeine...
today... today was... well... the same as every other day. nothing happens that differentiates one day from another. they all seem to blur into one endless... blah. well, endless is an overstatement. thats one thing i like about my school day, it seems like it's over before it even begins. i know i should be grateful about school, it's free education and all but whatever... right now i feel like it's doing more harm than good to me.
i feel so... so..... so..... BLAH! thats how i feel, everything is just..... bleg! the weather is cold and wet and grey. it's like the sky opens up and shits on me every morning. i have an essay due tomorrow about west indian culture in modern times compared to what it was like in the 1960s that i have yet to start. i feel like i'm losing touch with all my friends. and to top it all off i have a splitting headache and you know that little muscle or tendon or whatnot that connects the bottom of your tounge to the bottom of your mouth? well for some reason that thing hurts like hell and i can barely move my tounge. i'm in pain. i'm starting to wonder if 2 aspirin take away some of the pain... how well would the whole bottle work? no, i dont want to die. i just want to get out of here right now. i cant stand the sound of my dad and mom arguing because my mom didnt buy the right ice cream flavor for my dad. i thought you promised to love and to cherish eachother until death do you part. i want to go back to 1976 when you two got married and show you both how you're gonna end up. i've lost all hope for love. all the relationships i see are shit. the idea of a soul mate and living happily ever after is just a story created to keep us searching. for when we're looking for joy, we are blinded to the shit that is our reality.
song: of power ~ son of sam
posted by sarah 6:24 PM
Dec 11, 2001
red, white, and blue christmas
i dont like seeing all the houses with red, white, and blue christmas lights and american flags. christmas is christmas not some 4th of july on steroids. christmas is universal, not just america celebrates it. so dont put an american flag in santa's hand or a banner that says "god bless america" in your nativity scene. ok, now that i'm done ranting about holiday decorations, i think i'll get some sleep...
song: Creep ~ Radiohead (if you know me you'll know what this means)
posted by sarah 10:24 PM
wtf!
i get so sick of hearing "you and your sister always wasting your time on that crazy band shit..." yeah, fuck off, i like music. and i'm not my sister, stop comparing me to her.
song: Sugar ~ System of a down
posted by sarah 5:35 PM
In the beginning...
this will be my first real post. first off, please excuse the typo, i still cant believe i spelled my last name wrong. (it's janeczek) anyway, i dont know how to fix it so its gonna stay misspelled. today was nothing special... this week so far has been nothing special... this month has really been nothing special, screw it, nothing interesting or important has happened in a while. i'm kinda down today b/c it seems i'm losing touch with a lot of friends. they all either live far away, go to different schools, never get online, etc. i dunno, it just sucks. last night was cool though, i talked to my mom about something thats been bothering me since thanksgiving. anyway, she apologized even though she didnt remember saying it and she told me that she "takes my opinions very seriously" and has a lot of respect for me hearing that made me feel a lot better. we dont agree on a lot of things and it often seems like i'm summed up to be young and stupid and incapable of a valid thought. so i feel better after having talked to her about it...
no walk today, lindsay had to go over maxine's house for something but thats cool, i have homework to do anyway. see, everyday (unless one of us is busy) after school, me and lindsay go on a walk to the park and sit on the swings and talk for awhile. it's such a simple thing but it's really the best part of my day. we just sit and talk about what happened to us that day, of course over-analyzing every detail. i love it. i really cant imagine life without lindsay. she's lived next door since i was 1. we've just always been friends. it's going to be so strange in 3 years when she goes to college and i can no longer just walk next door and talk aimlessly with her. our relationship is unlike any others i have with people. to those on the outside, we're exact opposites. honestly i think if i met her today, having never known her before, i wouldn't like her at all. but i love talking to her about things, she never judges or condemns me and doesnt try to give me advice about everything or tell me what i should have done. she just listens and understands, and thats exactly what i need.
i have homework to do so i'll end this post.
song i'm listening to right now: silent night ~ enya (in irish) it's so beautiful and serene, it's just very soothing
posted by sarah 3:27 PM
...still messing with the settings...
posted by sarah 11:00 AM
Dec 10, 2001
ok, i have no clue how to fix the typo of my own name so i'll just have to deal. umm, i'll post something worthwhile when i feel like it. that is all for now.
posted by sarah 10:29 PM
can you believe i spelled my own last name wrong? it's janeczek
posted by sarah 10:23 PM
yeah, still no clue...
posted by sarah 10:21 PM
alright, i think i have this blogger thing figured out. i'm not exactly sure why i decided to have one in the first place but oh well. don't expect anything to come from this post, i still have no clue what i'm doing. why are the words so big at the top? eww, i'm gonna try to find out how to change that...
posted by sarah 10:17 PM
yeah, how do i view my page and what is safe mode. sucks to know nothing about computers.
posted by sarah 10:14 PM
i got a blogger.... is this a good thing? i'm still working out a few kinks, not exactly sure what i'm doing yet..... please disregard this post....
posted by sarah 10:10 PM
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"there is within me, and with sadness i have watched it in others, a knot of cruelty borne by the stream of love."
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