Dec 31, 2001
disregard me, i don't know what i'm talking about
i just read all my past entries. i'm shit. i dont like you, i like what you say. i like the attention. i'm a jerk. i'm just so damned emotional right now. everything seems to spark a feeling for me. something tiny will happen and i'll be overjoyed, depressed, enraged, etc.
i keep getting these urges to do random things. the other day i was in the car with my mom at an intersection and i had the urge to jump out of the car and just start walking down 450. the road looked so tempting. i was cutting a piece of bread the other day and i had the urge to stab the knife through something.. someone. one day in 5th period i glanced out the window and saw how blue the sky was that day. all i could think about was taking a nice walk and enjoying the day. it really pissed me off that i couldnt do that. all i wanted was to be outside but no, i had to sit there and read fucking great expectations instead. i dont give a fuck about charles dickens. i dont like this book. i'll gladly read things that are interesting. i'm not going to force myself to read it either just so i can pass a test. fuck tests. why am i always being tested? it seems i'm always forced to prove myself. i have nothing to prove to you, any of you. teachers, parents, friends, fuck you all. here's another random urge, right now i feel like saying fuck a lot. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
fuck - 1. to have sexual intercourse with 2. to take advantage of, betray or cheat; victimize 3. used as a signal of angry dismissal
what a nice word.
i'm sick of being emotional. sick of being a flake. sick of being sketchy. i'm sick of you. from now on i'm a skeptic. i view the world from the outside, as though i'm not a part of it. i'll observe people's actions, observe their emotions. but i won't join them in this life, in this game. they cant fuck (definition 2) me anymore. that's it. happiness, anger, sadness, loneliness, i wont expirience them anymore. i'm no longer in search of love, i'm in search of truth. and right now the truth is that love is an illusion. it's true, i've never seen a relationship that worked. you can say i'm giving up. that just because i havent seen it doesnt mean it cant happen. but, meh, i'm not denying that there's hope. i'm just saying that... what am i saying? fuck, (definition 3) i dont know.
song: say it aint so ~ weezer
posted by sarah 1:50 AM
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"there is within me, and with sadness i have watched it in others, a knot of cruelty borne by the stream of love."
Past
current
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