The Burdens of Being Upright

Mar 25, 2002

drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help my after

the moon is beautiful tonight. "perfect for long chats about everything and nothing." (katie) it's the same moon as last night, as last month, as last year, its the same moon that lit up the night sky 5,000 years ago. but tonight it looks so different. maybe i'm just different. the moon was always this beautiful, i just never stopped to notice.

my dad was pissing me off today. we were standing in the kitchen. i was looking at him and just wanted to hit him. but then i had a flash-forward type of thing and i imagined myself at his funeral, begging to be in the same room as him again. i didnt want to hit him anymore, i wanted to hug him.

my mom and dad were talking about my brother alex that lives in indiana. he had just called and had mentioned that he was going to church on easter. my mom said that she was hoping he'd start going to a church out there. her and my dad were talking about this, i wasnt really paying attention. but i heard my mom said "i never said he was an athiest." so i said, "and what if he was an athiest?" my mom said "well, thats something i'd have a problem with." and my dad said "thats just stupid." its nice to know that whatever i choose to believe (even if that is belief in nothing at all) will be supported in my house... i'm not an athiest. i believe in a god, some sort of divine creator. but christianity, jesus, heaven, hell, the bible? thats another story. religion, beliefs, it tears people apart. in ireland, protestants and catholics have been feuding for hundreds of years. and they both claim belief in the same god. persecution, separation, self-preservation. is this what your god told you was right? i cant decide what i think about an afterlife. life is a gift in itself, not some trial that you have to pass in order to get to heaven. i think when you die, you just die. nothing more. this life, this is what you get, there's no reward, this is the gift. its like when you get a birthday card and expect money inside of it. there's no money kids, the card is what you get. be grateful.

things are good. not great, but good. i'm very happy to be with my friends and everything is just nice right now. i'm content. but being content is really just saying "this is as good as it gets, i'll deal." i'd rather be ecstatic about life. i feel like something's missing. i think i know what that is but i'm sure if i had that i'd still feel like something was missing. anyway, i just want to hang out with my friends and talk for hours about nothing. and i wish people would say what they mean and mean what they say. i dont like the secrecy and the confusion and the guessing and the wondering and the hoping and the disappointment that always comes afterwards. i can dream all i want but i'll still wake up next to an empty pillow.

song: creep - radiohead

posted by sarah 1:41 AM